20. Debbie Gibson--Oh, I can see the production meeting now. Debbie: "So, I have to be higher than Tiffany but not by a lot." VH-1 Exec: "How about one spot above her?" Debbie: "Brilliant! No one will catch on!" Only in your dreams, Gibson.
19. Scott Baio--Willie Aames says Scott Baio was "incredibly funny" on "Charles in Charge." I also get the impression that Willie Aames sits by his phone praying for the "Charles in Charge" big-screen adaptation phone call.
18. Sarah Michelle Gellar--Sorry, nerds. I never liked "Buffy." She is undeserving of a place so close to Scott Baio.
17. Donny Osmond--More unnecessary hyperbole, this time from that shrewish whore Debbie Gibson: "There's not a person on earth who just doesn't love him." Wrong. I imagine the people of, say, Somalia are decidedly indifferent to Donny Osmond.
16. Kirk Cameron--Who would've thought Mike Seaver would grow up to be a righteous bore? And, seriously, no room for Boner in the countdown?
15. Brooke Shields--Described as a "bankable beauty." Who's banking anything on her these days?
14. Michael J. Fox--Another guy who wasn't really a teen at the time of his stardom. But you couldn't have a list without him. Praise Marty McFly.
13. Alicia Silverstone--She did one good movie. One. And she gets to be 13? This list was put together by psychopaths.
12. N'SYNC--At least it's not the top 10. And here's a question: why no New Kids on the Block on the list? And here's another: do you think that the N'SYNC guy that no one remembers is happy or sad about that?
11. Lindsay Lohan--This is a million times worse than Alicia Silverstone. I'll let her be on the list, but not 14 spots ahead of Corey Feldman. What a joke.
10. Matt Dillon--Fine. As I said, his "Wild Things" performance creeps me out, and in fact sullies his whole catalog. And please, no more rhetorical "who doesn't love?" questions.
9. River Phoenix--I won't speak ill of the dead. But this does seem awfully high. When Corey Feldman talks about how River's early death "iconicized him," you get the sense that he thinks he's better than River Phoenix and his continuing life is the only thing that keeps the world from recognizing that.
8. Corey Haim--I'm a big Haimster supporter, but even I'm shocked that he's this high up. But I do enjoy that even in his own segment, they don't let him talk for more than 5 seconds. I would love to see the unedited Corey Haim interview for this list.
7. Winona Ryder--In what is one of his longest soundbites, Corey Haim says he thinks she's a wonderful actress. She must be knocked out by that.
6. David Cassidy--Had him pegged for the top 5. A little surprised. Hey, I just realized Barry Williams isn't going to make the list at all. And only one Brady made it. That's a big bucket of wrong.
5. Shannen Doherty--Are we trying to keep some sort of gender equity in the top 20? She's fine, and she can be in the top 20, but she's no top 5.
4. Anthony Michael Hall--I can't knock a Griswold. My fingers wouldn't even let me type the words. And the other day I realized that Zabka was in "European Vacation." Yet another reason why he belongs higher than 97.
3. Britney Spears--Let's redo this list in ten years and we'll see about this. I like how Brandy calls her "a beast" and then quickly asserts that she means that in a good way.
2. Rob Lowe--If Corey Feldman calls him the world's greatest teen star, then I won't argue his runner-up position. But I bet that the Felddog secretly thinks he's better.
1. Molly Ringwald--Five hours of buildup for this? Yawn.
So ends Tinsel and Rot's five days of instant recaps. Hope you enjoyed. And I am glad that I will never have to hear Glenn Scarpelli and that guy from Teen People ever again.
By the way, the final count on teen stars met: a disappointing 8. I will need to be busier in 2006.
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