Ooooh, Scary: Chiller Theatre Fall 2006

Ah, the vibrant majesty of the fall, with its many glorious sights and smells. The turning of the leaves. The aroma of pumpkin that occasionally wafts through the air. And me, standing on a line outside a hotel in Secaucus, New Jersey, waiting to get my pictures taken with stars of '80s sitcoms.

Yessir, last Friday night brought me to the Chiller Theatre convention at the delightful Crowne Plaza hotel in hopes that I could obtain an autograph or two and a couple of pictures from the folks that popped up on my TV when I was a wee lad. This is the fourth Chiller in a row for me, which I think officially means that "sociopath" is now an accurate word to describe me. Awesome!

Anyway, I noted a few names on the guest list that piqued my interest, and since there was a rare gap in my social calendar, I figured it was worth the trip to Secaucus (though, really, who needs an excuse to visit Secaucus?). And my new Chiller Fall battle plan (because the fall show is the biggest of the year, with about 150 autograph guests) was to go on opening night, thus avoiding a repeat of last year's bazillion-hour wait on Saturday afternoon. And it was a success, as Friday was crowded but I never waited in a line for more than about 10 minutes. I'm so excited that I've solved the mystery of attending Chiller. There's nowhere to go but up. Or is it down? Well, now we're just arguing semantics. Let's move on to the show, OK?


Actually, one of the main reasons for going to Chiller was to see a TV "star" of a more recent vintage, Carla Gallo from the dearly missed (by me and at least two other people) "Undeclared." Alas, she was a no-show. So, say goodbye to that very special Christmas gift, Mr. and Mrs. Cagnazzi. I tried. I suppose I could have gotten you a signed Hulk poster from Lou Ferrigno (shown above), but I sense that wouldn't have been as cool. Sorry if I was wrong.

The Hulk was next to the one guy whose autograph I wound up buying, Todd "Willis Jackson" Bridges (you can see him bending down in the background of the photo above). He was actually quite an amiable chap, though he did give me the hard sell on buying the "Diff'rent Strokes" Season 2 DVDs from him. He was trying to get me to buy the set (he would sign every disc) for $50, which I would never, ever do. Plus, I can't be sure, but they looked to be bootleg DVDs, meaning that one of the stars of "Diff'rent Strokes" appeared to be selling bootlegs of a show that he starred in. I sense that things could be going better for Mr. Bridges. But he signed my Season 1, non-bootleg DVD case for $20 and did so gladly, after I barely stopped myself from asking him if Season 2 had the King Neptune two-parter in it. The question was on the verge of coming out of my mouth when I realized that asking him if the episode where the bike-shop owner molests Arnold and Dudley was on the discs might come across as a bit, um, creepy. But it's an historic show in my TV-watching life. That was probably the first "Very Special Episode" of a show I remember seeing. Freaked me out. Never even went into a bike shop after that. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.



I came to Chiller with the intention of getting a photo with Tony Burton, Apollo Creed's trainer in the "Rocky" movies and Rocky's trainer in the always timely "Rocky IV." Somehow I came to my senses before forking over the $15 to have a picture taken with my camera ($20 for a Polaroid signed to me). I couldn't even bring myself to get a photo signed because he was barely in half the photos he was selling. When I saw him sign an autograph, "Hands Up, Chin Down," I almost rethought my decision, but I stuck to my guns. Sorry, Duke.

As shown in the picture above, Burton was next to Peter Lupus, the original Nordberg in the "Police Squad!" TV show that preceded the "Naked Gun" movies (and O.J. Simpson's portrayal of Nordberg therein). That would almost have been enough to get me to buy a signed photo, except (a) no "Police Squad!" photos and (b) he looked really creepy. He's 74 and I guess he's in great shape or whatever, but it's that sort of old-person fit look that gives me the willies. He was peddling some supplements that allegedly "slow the body's aging process," so I guess that's what gives him his youthful glow. I think I'd prefer the aging process to just keep going at its normal rate.



Across from Burton and Lupus was the star of the show (or costar, I guess, since Kiss's Peter Criss, who had his own separate room inside the hotel, also drew a long line), Pee Wee Herman, whose autograph I thankfully once got for free, thus enabling me not to wait on the long line that wrapped around the back of the autograph tent most of the night. He seemed genuinely happy to be there and was awfully pleasant with everyone. And I think he was only charging $30, which may seem like a lot until you hear that Anthony Michael Hall was charging $40 (and only brought "Dead Zone" photos...where's the "Vacation" love, Rusty?). Or at least that's what I'm told happened on Saturday and Sunday. Somehow, his prices went up after Friday. Interesting.

Pee Wee was seated next to Lynne Marie Stewart, who played Miss Yvonne on "Pee Wee's Playhouse." As seen in the photo above (and, yes, I think that's Pee Wee standing up and taking a picture of something--hopefully, not me), she looks slightly different than she did in the Playhouse. Then again, I look slightly different than I did in 1990, too. That was a bad year for me. Very pudgy. So I actually look better than I did in 1990. I think. I hope.

But enough about me. What about Erin Moran, aka Joanie from "Happy Days"? Yep, she was there, and she was all over the place. When she wasn't snapping pictures with other celebrities or running out of the tent to grab a quick smoke, she was bugging her eyes out and hugging everybody that stopped at her table. I missed her a few times while she was on break, but I finally succeeded on the third try. Unfortunately, I was behind the Fab Six, six homosexual men who basically formed a half-circle around every celebrity that they wanted to meet and then took photo after photo. I had already spent a little time watching them work their magic as I tried to snap a photo of Charlene Tilton, which was amusing. But being behind them on the Erin Moran line was much more annoying, as they passed Joanie their cell phones so she could talk to their friends. Yes, that's the plural. She spoke to two people on the phone, while a third (who shared her birthday and thus had to be spoken to) missed his opportunity to chat with Joanie by not being home. I can only imagine the horror he now goes through every day, thinking of what might have been.

The only entertaining part of the waiting was watching Alana Curry, a really hot model/actress, who had the table next to Joanie, silently stewing as no one approached her while Erin Moran was being fawned over as if she were Julia Roberts. In fact, the four "hot chicks" around Erin Moran (Curry, Mia St. John, Brande Roderick, and Christy Hemme) didn't seem to do much business at all when I was in the tent, thus positioning Chiller as the Great Equalizer, where the large-breasted, heavily made up women of the world are routinely shunned in favor of aggressively aging actors and actresses. It was something to see.

Anyway, eventually I got my photo with Joanie. Tragically, I think I look much worse than she does.



Joanie sure does love Jamesi, though. Look how she's all over me. And her husband was taking the picture. I bet it could've been a wild night.

After tearing Erin Moran away from me (which happened soon after I gave her husband the $10 for the photo), I decided to take advantage of the stellar photo opportunity that awaited me a few tables away. "Three's Company" stars Joyce DeWitt and Priscilla Barnes (the latter of whom I was reminded on a recent, very boring Saturday afternoon was also in "Mallrats") were signing photos and occasionally taking photos with the peoples. I asked the guy at Priscilla Barnes' table how much it would cost for a photo with the both of them, and when he said it was $10 each, that sounded like a fine deal to me. So I headed to the back of the line and a few minutes later, voila:



I think Priscilla Barnes may have had some work done. Hard to tell.

After my turn as Jack Tripper, I was pretty much done for the night. There were a couple of almosts. Scott Schwartz, from "A Christmas Story" and "The Toy" (I think the first movie I ever saw, or at least remember seeing, in a theater) priced himself out when he wanted $25 to sign my copy of "The Toy." And after I realized who Stu Charno was, I almost succumbed. See, he played the real nerdy guy (IMDB says his name was Reptile) in the cinematic classic "Just One of the Guys." Seemed like a nice guy, too, but I just didn't see that fitting into the budget.

So after a quick last check of the vendor rooms, I made my way back to the NJ Transit bus stop, ready to head home for the night. It was a pretty successful night, not as crazy as last year, which was both good and bad (good because the lines were shorter, bad because there were fewer costumed freaks to stare at...only a fully decked out Robocop impressed me). Luckily(?), it's only a few more months until the next Chiller, with its dozens of great but oddball guests, occasionally long lines, and perhaps my favorite Chiller feature, the right-at-kids'-eye-level Storage Tub O' Porn.