Tinsel and Rot: The Week in Emotions

DISHEARTENED. At the report from the Daily News that orders for Dustin "Screech" Diamond's porn tape are "pouring in." If I heard that one person ordered this, I'd be upset. But "pouring in"? What is wrong with you people? Do you really have a burning desire to see Screech have sex? Has your life really come to this? Surely you can buy much more entertaining porn for your $49.95.

For the record, if you're thinking, "Hey, James likes 'Saved by the Bell' --I'll buy him this DVD as a goof," please stop thinking that immediately. I want no part of this. Seeing Jessie Spano in "Showgirls" was traumatic; I can't even begin to guess at the damage this would cause.

ANNOYED. At people who say things like, "Well, I'm a Yankees fan, but I love all the New York sports teams, so I hope the Mets win it all." Sorry, you'll have to pick a side here. You either like the Yankees and hate the Mets or hate the Yankees and like the Mets. There is no other way to root. Same goes for Giants/Jets and, most important, Rangers/Islanders. The Yankees or the Rangers could be playing against a team composed of Nazis, al-Qaeda operatives, and the would-be molesters on "Dateline" and I still would find it difficult to root for them. OK, maybe I'd give in. Hard to say until it happens. I smell a new reality TV show.

Anyway, If you're going to adopt some ridiculous "I'm cool with all New York sports teams" ethos that ensures that you will never feel actual pain because of the outcome of a sporting event, why not just stop watching sports altogether and enjoy the "Project Runway" marathon instead? You're an embarassment to sports fans everywhere.

HAPPY, DISTURBED, THEN HAPPY AGAIN, BUT STILL KINDA DISTURBED, OK, IT'S TOO FUNNY TO ACT ALL DISTURBED. The crackerjack news team at MTV presented "True Life: I'm A Staten Island Girl" (rejected title: "True Life: I'm Orange and I Tawk Funny") on Tuesday. This episode of the "True Life" series came on the heels of episodes about young people coping with Tourette's and OCD, thus establishing being from Staten Island as being much like having a debilitating illness. And the producers did a fine job of choosing three completely different young ladies to represent the borough: a tan, looks-obsessed girl who dyes her hair quite a bit and wants to be an actress, a tan, looks-obsessed girl with an unfortunate propensity to use hideous eyeshadow who wants to work in PR, and a really, really tan, looks-obsessed girl who only likes orange guys with spiky hair and bemoans the fact that she can't find a good one. I think my birthplace came off as really cool in the special. Thanks, MTV. First, the "True Life" wedding of Charlie and Sabrina, and now this. There are plenty of imbeciles in Brooklyn, too. Go film them.

On the bright side, this episode will make people a little more understanding of my decision to attend an all-boys' high school. I'm even starting to think it wasn't such a bad idea. And the show did feature my grammar school best friend's brother and clothing store. So, big ups for the Daszkowskis. Devoted fans of my work will no doubt recognize the "Dasz" part of that name from the seminal publication "Sig-Dasz Sports," which dazzled the sports-hungry preteens of Blessed Sacrament School in 1986-1987 (and all for just 25 cents...50 if it was a double issue).

VIOLENTLY ANGRY. At Albert Pujols, for engaging a guy who can barely walk in a footrace to first base instead of just tossing to the pitcher who was covering. I will never select you in a Fantasy Baseball draft again. Take your sneer and shove it up your ass.

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