I didn't have a seat of my own in the audience at this year's Country Music Association Awards but I did have a seat on my increasingly uncomfortable futon as this year's CMAs unfolded on my television screen. And here's how it went down.
8:05--After an all-star start to the show with Brooks & Dunn, Vince Gill, and Sheryl Crow (for the record, if I get cancer, I won't be wasting any time singing with Brooks, Dunn, or any combination thereof), Eva Longoria is introduced to the crowd. There is apparently no invitation that Eva Longoria will turn down. Can someone find out if she'll come to my birthday party?
8:08--LeAnn Rimes presents an award with Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora. Note to Richie: The time in your life when you can appear in public with your chest exposed has passed. A long time ago. Put on a sweater. And a jacket on top of that.
8:19--Brad Paisley and a band with a very bored mandolin player perform what I expect will be the first of many Bad Songs That Will Soon Be Played at Many Weddings. And the lyrics are actually outsucked by two completely uncountry guitar solos.
8:29--Ooh, Sugarland. Boy, they sure let the guy do a lot in Sugarland.
8:33--I'm starting to think that Gretchen Wilson might not be entirely awful. The song she sings aint bad.
8:46--Bad Song That Will Soon Be Played at Many Weddings #2 comes from the usually acceptable Alan Jackson. Back to songs with a pulse, Jackson.
8:50--This song by Little Big Town ("Bones") sounds like what would happen if the Manhattan Transfer decided to go country. But somehow less cool. Too bad, 'cause I kinda liked "Boondocks."
8:59--The Three-Headed Satan that is Rascal Flatts (led by the sunglass-sporting demon Gary LeVox) delivers another rancid tune (and another awful guitar solo) that makes me want to give up completely on country music. Seriously, who listens to this crap and thinks, "What a great country song"?
9:07--The Country Music Association salutes the many awesomely talented musicians in Nashville by announcing its Musician of the Year Award. Unfortunately, there's no time to actually give the award out on the air. Sorry, Randy Scruggs, must make room for Chesney!
9:13--Martina McBride breaks from script by not doing a Bad Song That Will Soon Be Played at Many Weddings. Instead, she does a Really Bad Inspirational Song That Will Soon Be Played at Many Telethons. She gets a partial standing ovation. Or else people just want to stretch.
9:17--The Annual Five Minutes of Credibility begins as Kris Kristofferson inducts George Strait into the Country Music Hall of Fame. And the always-steady Strait performs--miracle of miracles--a genuinely good country song ("Give It Away"). I've never been a huge Strait fan, but he's always kept things pretty traditional, so he's A-OK with me. Plus, he calls his son Bubba. You have to like that.
9:28--Kenny Chesney performs. Guess what kind of song it is?
9:32--I like that Wreckers' song. Or maybe I just like the way the Wreckers look.
9:43--When did Dierks Bentley start sucking so hard? And don't tell me he's always sucked. The first few songs were good. This, on the other hand, is as far from good as you can get. And he looks real uncomfortable singing it.
9:46--Little Jimmy Dickens gets two seconds of camera time. Hooray!
9:50--As a Ran Fan, it pains me to say that Miranda Lambert's "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" is not so good. Apparently, she's sticking with the Woman Done Wrong Who Wants Revenge genre. And she tries to top last year's singing-in-a-ring-of-fire performance by smashing her guitar on the stage as the song ends. Next year, she'll be kicking a little kid in the shins.
9:59--Faith Hill sings a pretty good song. And that looks like Claritin spokeswoman Kelly Willis singing backup. Faith does seem a little off, though. I hope Tim's treating her well.
10:07--After a ho-hum Josh Turner performance, American Idol ditz Kelly Pickler and Disgrace to Men Billy Currington present the Horizon Award to Carrie Underwood. Quite a collection of folks.
10:12--More credibility as Harold Bradley and Sonny James are inducted into the Hall of Fame. Actually, I'm kinda on the fence about Sonny James. But only because there's no Jimmy Martin in the Hall of Fame.
10:28--I don't care all that much for Sara Evans's performance, but Martina McBride's husband sure seems to dig it.
10:32--Billy Ray Cyrus is raging, raging against the dying of the light. But he just looks like a tool.
10:34--The big controversy of the night, as Carrie Underwood wins Female Vocalist of the Year while Faith Hill seems to express utter disgust. It looked bad at the time (and Faith Hill had to apologize today), but see for yourself at YouTube. It is such an over-the-top reaction that I'm willing to believe Faith on this one. As much as I don't want to.
10:40--Eddie Montgomery and noted hunting enthusiast Troy Gentry present Album of the Year to Brad Paisley. No bears are harmed.
10:53--After another inspirational slow jam from Vince Gill, Barbrara Mandrell wraps up the night by presenting the Entertainer of the Year Award to the tiny-headed Kenny Chesney. And another CMA Awards ceremony comes to a welcome end.
Maybe next year will be the one when things turn around.
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