As my cab pulled into the Sheraton Meadowlands Sheraton Saturday morning, my cab driver, for about the fourth time in our ten minutes together, started laughing maniacally.
"Oh, look, a hearse! Look at that! Hahahahahahaha! Crazy people!"
He had begun releasing a flood of heavily accented gibberish soon after I mentioned that I was going to the Sheraton Meadowlands. As near as I could tell, most of the monologue focused on the fact that the Sheraton Meadowlands was full of crazy people that day. Lines everywhere. People in costumes. "Crazy"--that was the word that kept popping up in between bursts of laughter.
So I sat in the back of the cab, nodded my head, and said "Yeah, they're crazy" a few times, making sure to try and distance myself from "them." A futile effort, no doubt, but I had to at least try. And trying is the best you can do when it's 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning, you've already gotten a little lost, and you're now at the Chiller Theatre Film, TV, and Toy Expo, where you have come to see the blonde chick from the "Police Academy" movies, Captain Lou Albano, Abdullah the Butcher, and a bunch of other "celebrities" of equal stature.
Someday, I'll get a respectable hobby.
Who am I kidding? No, I won't.
***
Anyway, after another quick outburst of laughter, the cab driver let me out in front of the hotel, where there was a pretty lengthy line of people waiting to get in. Assuming this was the line to buy tickets, I hopped on the end of the line, a little ways back from the guy dressed as Charlie Chaplin. But I soon realized that this was the line for people who had already purchased tickets. I had to go to a different line, on the other side of the hotel, to buy a ticket. Sweet.
So it was on to line #2 of the day, which actually started in the hotel lobby and snaked outside, right across from another line, which extended out of view. That was where to go to meet the celebrities, who were all in a tent at the end of that line, waiting to ask you to spend $20 to buy a signed 8 X 10 photo. So, once I got my ticket, I would have to go to that line, which really didn't seem to be moving that much. I briefly considered calling it a day, but, well, what fun would that be, right? Right?
Mere seconds after I got on the ticket line, I heard a staffer call out, "Sorry, line's closed. We're sold out of tickets." He was saying this in my general direction, but I just pretended I was on line long before he said it, and that seemed to work, because I wound up being the last person on line. Then more people got on line when he was distracted, and he didn't really notice. It was at that point that I realized this might not be the best-run convention. Or at least that was the first point.
But my spot on line and whether I'd be able to buy a ticket all became moot when someone came up to the line looking to get rid of three tickets. I jumped at the offer (saving $5 off the admission price, too, thankyouverymuch), as did the guy in front of me on line, Josh, who, it turned out, had no idea this was a major convention and just wanted to get a pair of boxing gloves signed by Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. After looking at the autograph line, he was beginning to have second thoughts. But we decided to persevere together, and I made sure not to mention that I had a "Police Academy 4" poster and the soundtrack to "Body Slam" in my bag. I figured that was for the best.
***
After getting back in the ticketholders' line in order to get bracelets, it was over to the autograph tent, the main reason why I had embarked on this adventure. After checking out the Chiller website for a few months, I started thinking that I should check this convention out. I'd always heard about it, but there were never enough good guests to justify going. Then, they added Leslie Easterbrook--Callahan from the "Police Academy" movies--and, then, well, you know.
So, I had brought my Police Academy 4 poster and DVD (signed by Michael Winslow, of course) for her, the soundtrack to the fantastic 1980s wrestling film "Body Slam" for Captain Lou Albano and Dirk Benedict, a DVD of "Amazon Women on the Moon" for director John Landis, and former professional wrestling eye candy Missy Hyatt's biography to get signed. Plus I wanted a Polaroid with Abdullah the Butcher and, even more important, a T-shirt from "Abdullah the Butcher's House of Ribs and Chinese Food," which I hoped he'd be selling.
To salvage whatever's left of my dignity, I should just delete that last paragraph, shouldn't I?
Anyway, Josh and I headed over to the front of the autograph tent, where Josh made an unsuccessful attempt to weasel his way in, explaining that he just wanted one autograph. He was too shy at this point of the day to pull out his sheriff's department badge and try to get in that way. Had he known what was ahead, I'm pretty sure the badge would've come out. But it didn't, so we headed to the end of the autograph line and began the long, hard wait. At noon. In a parking lot. In 45-degree weather.
That wait, it turned out, lasted a little over three hours.
I know what you're thinking: "Wow, you're so cool! I wish I were you!" What? That's not what you're thinking? I could've sworn it was. My bad.
NEXT: Stick a fork in my head--I'm done.
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