Nobody's Boy: My Further Adventures at Chiller

The twice-yearly "Should I really go and spend all that money at Chiller?" debate began a few months ago when the first guests were announced. It was a strong start, though most of the interesting guests (Susan Olsen, Mike Lookinland, T&R Hall of Famer and the people's Celebrity Apprentice Gary Busey) were people I'd already "met." Of course, since I'd already "met" them, that meant I had pictures with them--pictures I could get signed and lovingly framed so that my apartment can look like a Famiglia pizzeria. And, really, that's sort of always been the goal I've been striving for.

Robert Romanus (Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High) was another good add, and the return of Ernest Borgnine, whom I'd passed on last time he attended Chiller, gave me a chance to right a previous wrong and add a signed Marty photo to my collection (see Marty if you haven't, unless you've had a pain-free, love-filled life, in which case you probably won't enjoy it). But I was still on the fence. Then came two big adds.

The first was Tommy Morrison, better known to me as Tommy "The Machine" Gunn (though I did follow his boxing career and was legitimately bummed when Ray Mercer pummeled him). It would be almost impossible to pass up the opportunity to be that close to someone from Rocky V, easily the Rocky movie I've seen the most (note that this does not mean I think it's the best; I assure you I'm not that deranged). Sure, Mr. Morrison is quite possibly crazy now, believing that not only was his HIV-positive diagnosis wrong but also that HIV doesn't even exist. And, oh yeah, he teleported once. I am not making any of that up.

Anyway, if I'm gonna let a person's alleged out-to-lunch craziness stop me from handing over money for an autograph and photo, then, really, this blog's gonna be even duller than it already is. So, Tommy Morrison's inclusion confirmed my appearance at Chiller.

Then, as a bonus, and in a booking I still don't quite understand, Tony Clifton--Andy Kaufman's lounge-singer alter ego that lives on now allegedly perhaps maybe courtesy of Bob Zmuda--was added to the bill. I had no idea if anyone was going to be willing to pay for a Tony Clifton autograph (except me, of course, because I had pictures from Mr. Clifton's Santos Party House show that I thought might look nice signed), but a photo with sounded like an idea I'd be willing to pursue.

And now you know why I went to Chiller last Friday.

***
My first stop after I arrived at the surprisingly uncrowded Parsippany Hilton was at Gary Busey's table. As I walked down the hallway to get in line, I heard a big-boned gentleman ranting and raving about Mr. Busey for some reason, punctuating his disgust by shouting, "And that's why he got kicked off Celebrity Apprentice!" This, of course, made me more eager to get in line to see what Mr. Busey was doing that was so offensive. Unfortunately, two minutes before I got to the front of the line to go into the room where Mr. Busey was signing (and roughly an hour after the show started), Mr. Busey decided it was time to take a break. For about 30 minutes. So I spent those 30 minutes in the room watching Alex Winter (Bill S. Preston from Wyld Stallyns, of course) and Heather Langenkamp (from Just the Ten of Us, or, more important to the Chiller attendee, Nightmare on Elm Street) cordially greet fans and hoping Jake Busey wouldn't ask me (as he did the other people waiting for Papa Busey) if I wanted to listen to his band's music.

Finally, Gary Busey returned and soon I had this to display to my future wife when she comes to my apartment:



And if that doesn't dazzle her, maybe she'll be swept off her feet by my signed photos of Cindy and Bobby Brady:




And, hey, while I'm casually referencing my sad-sack, womanless existence, here's our patron saint:



Ernest Borgnine is the coolest 94-year-old I've ever met. Friendly with everyone (despite fighting a cold) and downright jubilant in every picture I've seen of him with others. You can't see it now, but you'll likely see our picture by the end of the year.

Tony Clifton was a few tables down from Mr. Borgnine and Loni Anderson (and, oddly, right between Pat "Marilyn Munster" Priest and Butch "Eddie Munster" Patrick) and was, not surprisingly, doing almost no business. So when I arrived with my photo, there was much rejoicing among Mr. Clifton and his manager. We reminisced about the Santos show (the longest they ever did, somewhere around four hours...and, yes, I stayed for the whole thing), talked about the Atlantic City show I missed (Mr. Clifton shared a joke he told to scare away the elderly members of the crowd), and generally had a very pleasant conversation, or as pleasant a conversation as you can have with a guy playing a character. Actually, it might have been the highlight of my night. And it's certainly one of my favorite inscriptions on a photo.



And, yes, despite the fact that this isn't Andy Kaufman as Tony Clifton, this picture makes me so happy I can't even tell you.



As I made my way out of the pit, I was stopped by a guy who wanted to know about my interaction with Mr. Clifton, since I was the first person he'd seen buy an autograph from him all night. He wanted to know if he was hurling insults, if he was really Bob Zmuda, and, if so, why wasn't he signing "Bob Zmuda as Tony Clifton," or something like that? He said he just thought it was odd that he was signing as a character and not as a real person. I thought of relating to him that it was odd that we were in a hotel lobby in New Jersey on a Friday night, forking over money to "celebrities" most of the world wouldn't know existed and that we were, in fact, roughly 20 feet away from "Fake Jan" from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, who was doing a steady business, but I figured that was a little too deep of a thought for the evening.

I soldiered on to the rooms with the lesser-known celebrities (the class structure of Chiller must be humbling for some) and soon queued up behind a guy who became what I assume was the first of roughly 343 people to approach Robert Romanus over the course of the weekend and ask, "Hey, man, you got any Blue Oyster Cult?" Soon after that interaction ended, it was my turn, but I just asked him to sign a photo for a friend and then got my photo taken, courtesy of a woman walking by who, upon being asked by Mr. Romanus to take the picture, said, "Oh, I just wanted to hear if your voice sounded the same." Her mission accomplished, she then took this:



Soon, I moved on to this Chiller's "Yes, for $10 I Will Take a Photo With You Because I Liked You in That One Thing I Saw You In" winner, the one-degree-from-Zabka Joyce Hyser, better known as devoted journalist/male impersonator Terry from the brilliant '80s film Just One of the Guys.



She earned a lustful "She hasn't aged one bit" from a guy I passed on my way out.

And now we come to my encounter with Mr. Morrison. As I approached the table and examined the items for sale (a signed boxing glove [$30], signed red, white, and blue boxing shorts [$50], a wide selection of Rocky V photos [$20]), I recalled the many times I'd been on line behind someone who requested a movie/TV show quote from a celebrity on their signed photo. Sometimes I find this to be a brilliant idea, and sometimes I find it to just be annoying (whoa, I think I just described my life). But I'd never tried it myself. And, since one of the photos was from Rocky V's concluding fight scene and I knew almost every line from that scene, I figured now might be the time.

So, as Mr. Morrison (who, to prepare you, is not looking very good) posed for several photos with what I assume was a dad and his children (or child and her friends, none of whom seemed likely to be either boxing or Rocky V aficionados), I summoned up the courage to ask for a line from the eminently quotable film. And that's why, when it was my turn to get a photo signed, I asked this:

"Hey, Tommy, would you mind writing 'I aint nobody's robot' on it?"

He snickered. And then did it.



So awesome. I briefly panicked a few minutes later when I thought I might have flubbed the line (was it "robot" or "puppet"?...surely he wouldn't know and would just sign whatever I told him), but a viewing when I returned home confirmed the total awesomeness of the above photo.

Less awesome is the photo below, in which Mr. Morrison grabbed the woman he was talking to and said, "C'mon, get in the photo." He told me, "That's my girl," followed by something unintelligible that, if she was not actually his girl but a random woman he struck up a conversation with, I suppose could've been, "Please don't tell her about the Internet." And then the photo was taken.



Those three people will never be in the same photo again. A true collector's item.

And another successful Chiller.

The Year in Celebrity Pictures

It wasn't a particularly strong year for celebrity photos, but there were a few winners in the bunch. Here's the entire output for 2009--15 photos, ranked for your pleasure. Or my pleasure. Somebody's pleasure.

15. Paul D'Amato (taken at the Arena at the Harbor Yard, Bridgeport, CT)


D'Amato, best known (well, only known, at least to those outside of his family and circle of friends) as Tim "Dr. Hook" McCracken, did an appearance on the concourse at the arena before and during the Bridgeport Sound Tigers game. He was a particularly amiable chap, especially in light of the fact that my friend Bill had him sign about a dozen photos for the members of the legendary Ithaca College intramural floor hockey champions, the Charlestown Chiefs.

14. Benmont Tench (taken in the Public Theater lobby, NYC)



After my second Benmont Tench concert sighting in about a month's time (this time as a member of W.P.A.), I figured I oughta get a picture with the man with one of the greatest names in rock and roll. We talked a little bit about the Big Surprise Tour, and after he signed an autograph for a woman in the lobby (that's her pen), the Heartbreaker and I posed for this shot.

13. Cousin Brucie Morrow (taken at the Columbus Circle Borders, NYC)



The first of two photos in this year's "Celebrity Photos That My Dad Would Have Enjoyed" series. I had to make my way through a very long question-and-answer/trivia session (which involved a few questions and a lot of answers, along with a suggestion from Cousin Brucie that if someone wanted to ask him a question about the Beatles at Shea, he'd be happy to answer it) and was situated in line behind some rabid Brucie-heads (one of whom pooh-poohed the idea of Michael Jackson as "King of Pop" and added that Ben Vereen was a much better dancer...twice in about five minutes). But it all worked out in the end, and I like to think my CBS-FM-loving dad would have approved. Plus, I have a book signed to "Cousin James."

12. DMC (taken at J&R Music World, NYC)



Almost missed out on this one, because I got there late and DMC was making his way to the door as I arrived. Fortunately, he is a kind man willing to stop for a picture with just about anyone, so I had time to get the picture with him, buy a "Tougher Than Leather" LP (Merry Christmas, Josh) and a Run DMC greatest hits CD at the store, and get both items signed. So it was a good day.

11. Guy Fieri (taken at the Columbus Circle Borders, NYC)



Yes, he's kind of annoying, and, yes, that is a ridiculous shirt he's wearing, but he does host one of my favorite shows and alerts me to places like the Eveready Diner in Hyde Park, NY. So, Guy Fieri is A-OK with me (though the TGIFriday's commercials still bug me). He also had his own photographer taking pictures that would be uploaded to his website, so that took away my usual Moment of Celebrity Photo Fear, where I hand my camera to a complete stranger and hope for the best.

10. Howard Hesseman (taken at Chiller Theatre, Parsippany, NJ)



He is Dr. Johnny Fever to most, but, to me, he is a little bit Charlie Moore from "Head of the Class" and mostly Captain Pete Lassard from "Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment" (some days my favorite in the series; sometimes it's "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol"). When I told him after the picture was taken that I enjoyed him most in "Police Academy 2" and that I would probably be the only person that brought that movie up over the course of the weekend, he smiled and agreed. And then, after I was out of earshot, he likely mumbled something about the weird "Police Academy" nut he just took a picture with and how he better get another acting job soon.

9. Mickey Rooney (taken at Chiller Theatre, Parsippany, NJ)



I cropped his wife out of the photo because, though I'm sure she's a swell lady, I don't want a picture with Jan Rooney. I want a picture with Mickey Rooney, the guy who recorded those increasingly tense promo spots included on the "Celebrities at Their Worst" CD that culminated with the angriest "Hello, all you nice people" you'll ever hear. And I believe he's done other things. I was on line behind a woman who just wanted to talk to Mr. Rooney. Mr. Rooney's handler said she was welcome to do so, but she should speak up and under no circumstances was she to attempt to shake hands with Mr. Rooney (a swine flu precaution, I'm guessing, and a pretty sane policy at Chiller, quite frankly). So what followed was an awkward, no-contact interaction that involved a lot of shouting. I don't think it went well. But our photo came out swell.

8. Mitch Fritz (taken at Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, NY)



Unless you are a diehard Palm Isle reader (and, considering we haven't posted anything in three months, your hard death is probably imminent), you probably don't know the sheer glee that overcame me as I was walking the concourse at the Nassau Coliseum between periods of a Sound Tigers playoff game and spotted Islanders enforcer/frequent healthy scratch Mitch Fritz (kinda hard to miss, as you may have noticed). It was a glorious culmination of yet another difficult season as an Islanders fan. Mitch Fritz! (Clap! Clap!) Mitch Fritz! (Clap! Clap!)

7. Jon "Bowser" Bauman (taken at Chiller Theatre, Parsippany, NJ)



I forget how much I paid for the autograph/photo with combo from Bowser, but I'm certain it was more than I can afford. But, I did grow up watching "Sha Na Na," courtesy of my dad, and, well, this is a pretty swell photo (and he signed "Grease for Peace" on my album). I was informed by another member of my party at Chiller that Bowser was totally checking her out during my interaction with him. I guess I'm not pretty enough.

6. Duff Goldman (taken at Ace of Clubs, NYC)



Even though I think Carlo's Bake Shop (from TLC's "Cake Boss") is a better, truer bakery than "Ace of Cakes"' Charm City Cakes, "Ace of Cakes" was first out of the box and probably a better, more entertaining show. And Duff is a cool guy. I saw his band (...soihadto, hence the sticker on my shirt) play at Ace of Clubs, and by the end of the set, there were more people on stage than in the audience. But the band didn't seem to mind that much and, in fact, laughed right after they played their last note to the sound of about four sets of hands clapping. Duff and I talked a little about the Avett Brothers (soon to appear in an episode of "Ace of Cakes") after the show, and later on he posed for this (the first and better of the two shots).

5. Hank Williams Jr. (taken outside of NBC Studios, NYC)



It's the second picture I have with Bocephus and, though, it's a bit blurry, I like it better than the first. For a solid reason why, look no further than that thing around his neck. I wasn't going to go for the picture with him, but his car wasn't there to meet him, so I grabbed this photo and got a bunch of records signed. A rare case in my collecting career where things went better than expected.

4. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger (taken at Bookends, Ridgewood, NJ)




This was a front runner for the Holiday Greeting, and I suppose if I had chosen purely based on the person with the most hero-like qualities, it would have been Sully by a landslide. But the Holiday Greeting formula is way more complicated than that (plus I wasn't confident that enough people knew what Sully looked like), so Sully didn't make the cut. If only he had appeared on a sitcom at some point in his life rather than successfully landing a plane in the Hudson River...

3. Billy Mays (taken at the Big Apple BBQ, NYC)



A little too morbid for the Holiday Greeting, but probably would've been a good choice. He now holds the distinction of being the celebrity (assuming you want to give him that title) who died the soonest after having his/her picture taken with me (previous record holder: I have absolutely no idea). I wasn't totally aiming to get a picture with him that day, but, well, he was there and I was there, so I thought, "Why not?" Before the photo was taken, Mr. Mays insisted, "You gotta do the thumbs up." So I did. Good call, sir. Rest in peace.

1. (tie) Danny Bonaduce (taken at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, Oaks, PA)



He was an hour late for his appearance at the record fair, and I was starting to wonder if my train-to-train-to-train-to-train-to-bus-to-expo-center journey was going to end with only a few cool records to show for my efforts. But he eventually showed up, and this photo was taken. Unfortunately, it is an entirely-too-intimate (albeit cut-off) portrait of my head, because I was taking photos of Mr. Bonaduce before I stepped to the front of the line and forgot to set the zoom back for the radio station intern (who seemed jacked up on speed) I handed my camera to. A normal person would've set the zoom back on his own once seeing this frightening sight on a screen, but it turns out this guy wasn't normal. Instead I think he may have actually increased the zoom. Enjoy my nose hairs. On the bright side, it is also an intimate look at Danny Bonaduce's face, which is always entertaining. Also, he did not shake my foundation while I was there, which was cool (if I have to explain the reference, you should be ashamed).

1. (tie) Mark-Paul Gosselaar (taken outside the Harold and Miriam Steinberg Center for Theatre, NYC)


I had hoped that opening night for "The Understudy," in which Mr. Gosselaar is currently appearing, would attract some support from "Saved by the Bell" cast members, but none materialized, not even Mr. Tuttle or Rod Belding (Clive Davis was there, but I'm pretty sure he never appeared on "Saved by the Bell"). But, as I was getting ready to call it a night, someone offered me a free ticket to the show, which I'd planned on seeing anyway. So I quickly took the ticket, enjoyed the show, and then stuck around afterward to get this picture. It is my second picture with Mr. Gosselaar, and clearly the better of the two. I recently headed back to get two copies of the picture signed for both me and my friend Sarah, who has the world's only collection of photos signed by me and "Saved by the Bell" cast members. Someday, she will be ridiculously rich because of this.


As always, I don't know if this tradition will continue, but if it does, I hope to get the Holiday Greeting pictures taken a little earlier this year. Both Holiday Greeting photos were taken in November, and the whole enterprise was nearly torpedoed when a Mohegan Sun security guard informed me and a few other people that we were not to bother Alan Thicke. Very disappointing.

So, anyway, here's hoping that 2010 brings a smoother Holiday Greeting Photo process. I've already got some leads. Stay tuned...

The Year in Celebrity Photos, Vol. 3

4. Kathleen Edwards, New York, NY


This picture is doubly special because it was the next-to-last photo taken before Zankel Hall security shut down the picture taking because "We don't allow pictures to be taken here." Bad news for the third member of our party who was blocked from taking a photo with Ms. Edwards after two of us (and perhaps a half-dozen before us) had already been taken care of. But on a positive note, he now has a signed "Asking for Flowers" album (an album, or CD, or mp3, or whatever that you should, as I've pointed out before, own) with a picture of him and Ms. Edwards as stick figures, in which the stick figure of Ms. Edwards is giving the finger to the unseen security guard. Classic.

3. Billy Redden, Parsippany, NJ


To think I almost passed up the opportunity to have a photo taken with the banjo-playing boy from "Deliverance." Crazy. This would have been a great Holiday Greeting because I would guess that if I sent it (with some cropping), I would have achieved 100% "who-the-hell-is-that?" clearance among the recipients. I could've held a contest for people to guess who it is. Or I could've tipped my hand and written "Hope you don't squeal like a pig this holiday season." How classy would that have been? Alas.

2. Corey Haim, Parsippany, NJ


This enables some lucky Holiday Greeting recipients and collectors to complete their "Photos with James and the Two Coreys" collection, and enables me to complete my "Photos with Me and the Three Main Actors in the Erotic Thriller 'Blown Away'" collection (and if you didn't know that that movie stars the two Coreys and Nicole Eggert, shame on you). I waited on a line for about two hours to get into the main pit at the Chiller Theatre convention and then went directly to Mr. Haim's table to find he had no line at all (the only reason the main pit line was so long was because Linda Hamilton's line wrapped around most of the pit). So I forked over my money to Mr. Haim's mother (sign you watch too much reality TV: you know what Corey Haim's mother looks like), Mr. Haim said something I didn't understand about the eagles on my shirt, and this magical photo was taken. Trivia fact: in my photos with the two Coreys, they are both wearing sunglasses. And we were nowhere near sunlight in either of them.

1. Maureen McCormick, Ridgewood, NJ


Another coup for Holiday Greeting enthusiasts looking to complete the Greg and Marcia Brady series. This photo was taken at the end of yet another long wait on a line, this time at a book signing at Bookends in Ridgewood, NJ. I had gone to get a couple of books signed, but I also hoped to get Ms. McCormick to sign a football "Oh, my nose! Maureen McCormick." 'Twas not meant to be, as the rules of the signing were that she was only signing books. This was confirmed a few people in front of me when a trio of guys were shut down from having their photos and Marcia Brady doll signed, so I didn't push the issue. I thought about hanging around to see if she would be willing to sign the football after the event was over, but that would've required me to stand outside the store by myself with a football in my hand. There was a time in my life when that sort of behavior would have seemed normal. But these are my 30s. At least I got the photo.

So that's it for the celebrity photos in 2008. Who knows what next year will bring? Will the Holiday Greeting be retired? Will I get a photo with Gary Busey? Stay tuned.

Saturday with the Goons

"The goons, myself among them, with big photo albums, stained hands, and little scribbled cards. The nuts who stood happily rain-drenched at the premiere of Dames or Flirtation Walk, while the Depression went on and on even though Roosevelt said it couldn't last forever and Happy Days would come again.

The gorgons, the jackals, the demons, the fiends, the sad ones, the lost ones.

Once, I had been one of them.

Now, there they were. My family."

(from one-time autograph collector Ray Bradbury's A Graveyard for Lunatics)

I am not sure if I should be happy that I had the foresight to show up before doors officially opened at last weekend's Chiller Theatre. On the one hand, by doing so, I assured that I did not wind up among the rained-upon masses lined up to get in midafternoon, who were halted from entering by order of the fire marshal. On the other hand, the fact that I knew I had to get there early and, indeed, actually wanted to be there on the always insanely crowded Saturday meant that I was now fully immersed in the world of Chiller and the aforementioned goons who attend it. This day was bound to come. I must accept it, along with the realization that I consider waiting in line for two hours to be a victory.

I can find some comfort in the knowledge that I was able to restrain myself from overspending and actually left the convention with no autographs and having paid only $20 to have my picture taken with two celebrities. (Again, I feel compelled to note that "celebrity" is a bit broad, for one person, whom I cannot reveal due to said person's pending appearance on this year's Holiday Greeting [yes, there will be one...happy?], is barely clinging to fame and the other, to be revealed later in this post, is almost certainly not a celebrity by any real definition.)

Of course, there were temptations. I was actually about to break down and get an autograph and picture with Tinsel and Rot Hall of Famer Leslie Nielsen, but, lucky for my own eating plans for the week, Mr. Nielsen bowed out for a lunch break and I decided I didn't feel like waiting it out. I'd gotten his autograph before (free!), but I was almost persuaded by the fact that he had Enrico Pallazzo photos. Alas, it was not meant to be.

I intended to get an autograph (in my Islanders yearbook, from the year when he was their celebrity captain) from and/or a photo with Ralph Macchio, but I quickly abandoned that notion when I got a look at his price list: $30 for an autograph AND an additional $30 to have your picture taken with him. Seriously? The Ralph Macchio Experience costs $60? Suck it, Daniel-san.

I was so intently focused on staring at his price list and thinking that I must be reading it wrong that I momentarily blocked Linda Hamilton's photo lane, which she very kindly pointed out and then insisted I had no need to be sorry, because life is too short for that. By all accounts, she was the MVP of the weekend, staying, I heard from others, past closing time on Friday night to sign for everybody and owning what looked to be the longest line on Saturday, which moved slowly because she was taking time with every fan. I had no interest in meeting her, but it's always good to see someone going out of their way to be nice and genuinely happy at one of these things.



Also exceedingly nice was John Schneider, who brought along an entire store of "Dukes of Hazzard" merchandise, including four different kinds of t-shirts, hats, DVDs, photos, and license plates that read "Bo Duke." I was almost tempted by the 2 for $25 t-shirt deal, but I ultimately could not justify, even after seeing that he signs "Yee Haw!" on every autograph.



In the autograph tent out in the parking lot (no lines! no waiting!), I almost gave yet more money to Barry "Greg Brady" Williams when I saw that he was selling autographed tabu tikis (oooweeoooweeooo) for $30. But then I realized that I have already bought two different versions of his book and his not-so-good CD. I love "The Brady Bunch," but the line must be drawn somewhere. Sorry. I have paid my debt to Barry Williams. Adios, Johnny Bravo.



I was particularly bummed, however, that Barry Williams was going to sing at the big Saturday night party, because I couldn't stick around for that and thus missed what I have to assume will be my only opportunity to ever see Barry Williams and Kip Winger perform at the same show. Sigh.



Epstein, Horshack, and Washington were next to the Brady table. Sixty bucks for a photo with all three of them. I don't think so. Robert Hegyes looks like Superfly Snuka now. And by "Superfly Snuka now," I mean "Superfly Snuka now," not "Superfly Snuka back when he was popular."



Across from the Sweathogs, I was forbidden from taking a photo of Jamie Luner. I actually just wanted to take a photo of the sign above her that read

Jamie Luner
Profiler
Melrose Place
Growing Pains (hastily crossed out in pen)
Just The Ten of Us,

because I thought it was funny. But as I prepared to do so, the woman taking the money at her table started waving her arms wildly and then yelled, "No pictures! You have to pay!" That was fun.

Luner was flanked on one side by Ron Lester, the previously egregiously obese actor from "Varsity Blues" and "Not Another Teen Movie" (and I was dismayed to realize on my way home, three episodes of "Freaks and Geeks..." yearbook signing opportunity missed), who not only has an entire line of products based upon his "Billy Bob" character in "Varsity Blues" but will also sign a pair of his old fat pants for $200 (Only 1 Pair!).



On the other side of Luner was Jeffrey Weissman, whom of course you remember as George McFly in the last two "Back to the Future" movies after Crispin Glover bailed. And in case you didn't remember, he brought props...props that had nothing to do with his character, but props nonetheless.



There were a few other temptations here and there, but I held fast to my goal of not buying autographs I didn't really want. And that was bad news for Zabka-esque villain extraordinaire Richard Tyson (from "Three O'Clock High" and "Kindergarten Cop"), whom I probably would have at least gotten a photo with in stronger economic times. Sorry, buddy.



George Kennedy was another tough one to pass up, particularly with Leslie Nielsen five tables away. I had considered buying a Naked Gun poster on eBay prior to the convention, but I'm a completist and since the chances of me getting (or wanting) OJ's autograph in the near future don't look good, I decided against it. Of course, it's horrible to reduce Kennedy's career to the Naked Gun series, but, in case you forgot, I'm a fairly horrible person a good deal of the time. In any case, here's a picture of him getting ready to sign a "Cool Hand Luke" poster.



I also could have easily spent some cash on a photo with Lita Ford, a pair of Kiss Me Deadly panties, or a tasteful poster for the apartment. Instead, I just took this photo.



So, you ask, who did you spend your hard-earned $10 on? Well, there were two gentlemen who looked awfully bored sitting behind a table in the tent. I didn't even know one of them, Randall Deal, was gonna be there, so I think he might've been a last-minute addition (and I assumed he was gonna be in the photo, too, but he just stood there, so it appears I assumed wrong...no big, ahem, deal, I suppose). And I saw a banjo on the table. And I thought, "C'mon, it's only $10. You gotta." And that's how I got my picture taken with Billy Redden, the man who played Lonnie, the (kind of) banjo-picking inbred in "Deliverance."



It took three tries (camera flash was acting up), but I'm quite happy with the finished product.

I'm also pleased that I was able to leave Chiller tired but satisfied, with mission accomplished and under $50 spent (one other purchase will be showcased in the next post). Victory is mine!

And, for the record, The Goons, Myself Among Them has replaced Good for You as the title of my next book (anticipated publication date: 2023)

The Return of Chiller

Susan Olsen cancelled her Chiller appearance a few days before, dashing my hopes of meeting my sixth member of the "Brady Bunch" checkerboard (Keeping score at home? Why? OK, I'll tell you--Barry "Greg" Williams, Chris "Peter" Knight, Florence "Carol" Henderson, Ann B. "Alice" Davis, Maureen "Marcia" McCormick. And, lest we forget, I've also met Robbie "Cousin Oliver" Rist. Express your jealousy in the Comments section.) I debated not going. But like the great intrepid explorers that preceded me, I decided to persevere and sally forth to the Chiller Theatre Spring 2008 Toy, Model, and Film Expo with a largely empty messenger bag, $100 to spend, and a poster tube packed tight with a "Short Circuit 2" poster. (Attach your further jealousy to your previous comment about my storied career meeting "Brady Bunch" cast members.)

That "Short Circuit 2" poster (with its awesome tagline: "Some say he's nuts. Some say he's bolts. But can Number Five make it in the big, bad city? Keep your wires crossed.") was originally obtained, I can only assume, during a particularly boring time in my life where I had too much money and spent too much time on eBay. I would've guessed that the first signature I'd get on it would be Fisher Stevens's, since he lives in NYC and does stage work every now and then. But, no, dear reader. The first signature on that poster is from Cynthia Gibb, who of course played Ben's love interest Sandy in the unforgettable sequel that will no doubt be remade soon after the forthcoming remake of the original wraps.

When I approached her table, Gibb wanted to know which poster I had. When I told her "Short Circuit 2" (in a voice low enough so no one else might overhear), she acted as if I had in my possession something so wonderfully amazing that the human mind could not possibly fully grasp the magnitude of what was happening at that moment. I imagine she had been preparing such a display of emotion all weekend. She shared that even she didn't have that poster, which I guess was meant to make me feel like I was a truly special human being. And, in a way, I am special--just not in the conventional way that you consider one special.

Anyway, she was very excited to sign the poster and then she took a picture with me.



Gibb was in between Staci Keanan (see previous post) and William Davis, a man with a long list of TV appearances but who is best known as Cigarette Smoking Man from "The X-Files." For some reason, he was charging more ($25) than the average rate (which was $20), but I didn't see him getting much business. Keanan was slightly busier and was also apparently cleaning out her closets.



The most interesting part of the sale was that the advertised $75 "My Two Dads" jacket was sold by the time I got there. So I assume someone paid $75 for said jacket. And that makes me a little sad for that person.

Taking pictures of the celebrities at Chiller is risky business, as you don't want to seem interested enough that the celebrity or his/her assistant will think you might be willing to pay for either an autograph or a photo with the celebrity. The guy working with Jason Mewes tried to rope me into a $20 photo with Mewes, which, it turns out, is slightly over $19 than I was interested in spending. Brian O'Halloran (Dante), to his credit, was not charging for photos with him, making him slightly more admirable. Also not charging for photos with was Judah Friedlander, who asked me if I wanted to take a picture with him after he spotted me taking a picture of him. He actually seemed more excited about meeting the other celebrities at the show (particularly the hot actresses of the 1980s...I saw him handing "Dream A Little Dream"'s Meredith Salenger a business card later) than actually signing autographs himself. I give him the full Tinsel and Rot Seal of Approval.



A side note: I'm pretty sure that I saw the actual Toby (whom Friedlander played in "American Splendor") walking around in the main autograph pit. I was slightly taken aback--both at the fact that he was there and that I know what he looks like.



The main autograph pit, which I waited about an hour to get into, featured most of the big names--"big" being relative of course. For instance, here are two of the big names in the pit, the stars of their respective Hollywood families, Daniel Baldwin and Frank Stallone, who has to admit that it's no longer all that far from over.



Ernest Borgnine was the main attraction (despite inexplicably getting fifth billing on the guest list, behind Mewes, O'Halloran, Marilyn Ghigliotti [also from "Clerks"], and Micky Dolenz), and in fact had a separate line from the one for the pit. So, not wanting to wait on another line and content that he was getting his due, I skipped Borgnine, freeing up more money for me to spend. Hmmm....who to spend it on? Joe Pantoliano? Amy Dolenz (you've seen "Miracle Beach," right?)? Katey Sagal? Wait a second--what am I thinking? What kind of VH1 Celebreality fan would I be if I didn't get a picture with...



Brigitte and I make a nice couple, no? After shoving her boob into my chest for the photo, she kissed me on the cheek (very European), which she seemed to do with every guy. That's working hard for the money. I don't think I'd be willing to kiss the average Chiller attendee. Scratch that, I know I wouldn't. I saw a guy with a cast on his leg and his gnarly-looking toes exposed in the pit, and that wasn't even the most disturbing Chiller-goer. I think that would've been the guy carrying a woman around by a leash. I tried to get a picture. I failed. I did get a picture of this guy just before he grazed a french fry.



After taking pictures of celebs sitting at their tables over the course of a few hours, I started to hit that point I hit at every Chiller where I just start feeling bad for the celebrities and have to get out ASAP. So I have nothing else to really recap. But here are two pictures of former child stars Mason Reese (who was selling his own bootleg DVD of his TV appearances) and Kathy Coleman (Holly from "Land of the Lost").





See, you feel bad now, too, don't you?

My work here is done.