Celebrity Photos: The Class of 2010

When I say that 2010 was my best year in celebrity photos, know that it is the truth and not hyperbole.

Don't believe me? Consider this:

*This was the first year in which there was a four-way split in the Sigman Holiday Greeting. It was simply not possible to narrow down the crop to just two. There has been no such problem in previous years, and I suspect the four-way split may never happen again. We are living in blessed times.

*Thinking that I was going with the usual two-way split, I declared the Sigman Holiday Greeting done by the end of February, a marked contrast to 2009, when I didn't have any real strong contenders until November.

*My three personal favorite photos didn't even make it into the four-way split (mainly because I suspect most recipients wouldn't know the celebrity photos; I'm a man of the people). That's right: it could've been a seven-way split. Ponder that.

And while you're pondering, check out the Class of 2010, separated this year by category because it's just too damn hard to rank them.

Childhood Heroes (and Villain)

Jim Martin, the puppeteer behind (underneath?) "The Great Space Coaster"'s Gary Gnu, Javits Center, NYC



Perhaps you don't know who Jim Martin is. I didn't until I looked at the list of celebrity guests for the New York Comic Con a little closer. Then I discovered that he was Gary Gnu, one of my early journalistic heroes from the kids' show "The Great Space Coaster." Here's a sample of one of Mr. Gnu's gnewscasts:



After waiting on the seemingly endless line to get in to the Comic Con and then staggering around the convention floor in a sea of geeks and perverts, I got to Mr. Martin just in time to get the last available Gary Gnu shirt from Mr. Martin (with proceeds going to the ToonSeum, which sounds like my kind of place). And then we posed for the picture. Gneedless to say, it was a thrill.

David Newell, a/k/a Mr. McFeely from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood," Javits Center, NYC


Also at the ToonSeum table was the Speedy Delivery guy himself, David Newell, better known as Mr. McFeely. He was quite amiable and probably would've signed autographs for every person I knew if I asked him to. But there was a line, and I figured it would be best if I just kept it to me and my sister.

I must confess I was a little bummed he wasn't wearing the postman outfit. He could've at least worn the hat, or glued on a mustache or something. Just saying.

Baron Von Raschke, Rahway Recreation Center, Rahway, NJ


I was going for a look here, and I don't think I got it.

But I loved the Baron back in the days of Pro Wrestling USA on WPIX, which I used to tape on my audio tape recorder before we got a VCR. And Baron's claw was my dad's go-to move when I would start wrestling with him. My dad saved the claw until he grew tired of my armbars and headlocks, because he knew once he applied it, I'd start crying and he could have his weekend back again. So this one's for you, Dad.

Sgt. Slaughter and the Iron Sheik, Rahway Recreation Center, Rahway, NJ


The original plan was to get photos with the Baron, Abdullah the Butcher, and Sgt. Slaughter, but while I was on line, I noticed that Abdullah didn't look particularly pleased to be there and, more importantly, wasn't offering his "fork in the forehead" photo op (I heard later that if you brought your own fork and threw in some extra cash, the photo could be yours). So I called an audible and decided to use the photo ticket I'd bought for Abdullah for a double shot with Sarge and the Iron Sheik. And, boy, am I glad I did. This one's an all-time classic. In retrospect, I probably could've gotten away with this on the Holiday Greeting, but I don't know that most people have the knowledge of old wrestlers that I do. To be honest, I kind of hope they don't.

Sports

Bob Nystrom (and retired journalist Bryan Chambala), New York State Fairgrounds, Syracuse, NY


Retired journalist Chambala and I were wandering around the infield/rink level before the AHL Outdoor Classic when I looked to my right and saw New York Islander legend and all-around swell guy Bob Nystrom. So we talked hockey for awhile as I tried to revive my camera, which I did just in time for this photo and a photo of just Mr. Chambala and Mr. Nystrom. It was a good start to a fun (and kind of cold) day in Syracuse.

Wally Backman, Brooklyn Cyclones Team Store, Brooklyn, NY



I don't particularly enjoy waking up early on a Sunday morning for a 90-minute-plus train ride, but I did it for one of my all-time favorite Mets, Wally Backman. I got there late and almost missed him, as he had to duck out before his scheduled departure for some reason. And it took two tries to get a usable photo. But I would not be denied.

Every retired ballplayer should look like Wally Backman.


Ralph Kiner, Steiner Sports Store, NYC


OK, Ralphie's not looking so hot these days. And his time in the Mets' broadcast booth gets briefer (and a little sadder) every year. But he's a Hall of Famer, an underrated power hitter, and the former host of the greatest postgame show in baseball history. So getting a photo with him was an honor.

Billy Smith, Hofstra University, Hempstead, NY


Smith was the last of the Islanders Hall of Famers that I hadn't met. So I was happy to see his name on the autograph lineup for a baseball card show in Long Island. It was another early-Sunday-morning departure that was painful at rising but rewarding by sundown. And Mr. Smith looks like he would still be quite happy to chop away at your knees and ankles. He's the greatest Islanders goalie of all time, which isn't a particularly lofty designation, but I hold out hope that someday he'll get some competition for the honor.

Should've followed Mr. Smith's lead and kept the hat on for this one.

Music

Nick Feldman and Jack Hues of Wang Chung, BB King's, NYC


What's better than a free ticket to see Wang Chung? A chance to get a picture with them afterward. And the show was good, dammit. For real. And, for the record, "Dance Hall Days" is far superior to "Everybody Have Fun Tonight."

Andy Kim, Sheraton Meadowlands, East Rutherford, NJ



I have been to a lot of sad conventions in my time (and I'm certain I will be at a lot more), but Rock Con on opening night might've been the saddest of the lot. There were more autograph guests there than fans, and other than a few big names (Little Anthony, Mary Wilson from the Supremes, Al Jardine from the Beach Boys, Tommy James), it wasn't exactly a high-wattage array of musical lights. My main reason for going, Johnny Farina of Santo and Johnny, wasn't around Friday night (which was the only day I could go), which meant that if I didn't leave with a picture with Mr. "Rock Me Gently" himself, I had dragged my ass to the convention for no reason. Unfortunately, since Mr. Kim wasn't doing much business, he was going around to talk to the other guests, so I had to keep going back to his table to see if he returned. Finally, after about a half-hour of checking (during which I bought a snazzy "Rock Me Gently" t-shirt), my mission was accomplished. After the photo, he told me to e-mail it to him and we could chat further. I've yet to do that.

Marty Stuart, Public Theatre Lobby, NYC


No, that's not Andy Kim's dad. It's country music's Marty Stuart, who finishes third in this year's Prettiest Lady contest. I keed. He puts on a good show. And he's an autograph and memorabilia collector, too. So he's probably putting together one of these lists right now, too. Or writing songs. Or teasing his hair.

Kathleen Edwards, Stephen Talkhouse, Amagansett, NY


My second photo (thanks, Johnny!) with the excellent musician and the best-looking hockey fan I know, Kathleen Edwards. It also serves as documentation of what will likely be my only trip to the Hamptons. They looked at us funny when we played Wiffle Ball on the village green before the show. Snobs.

Huey Lewis, Bell House, Brooklyn, NY (***OFFICIAL SIGMAN HOLIDAY GREETING SELECTION***)



The most random celebrity encounter of the year. I was milling about after the Nick Lowe show deciding if I wanted to stick around to have Mr. Lowe sign my "The Rose of England" LP. I was exhausted and ready to head out when I saw a crowd of people lingering by the soundboard when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Huey Lewis! And guess who produced one song and played on "The Rose of England"? I hope you guessed "Huey Lewis," because it was sort of obvious that was the answer. So I asked him to sign the record and then passed my camera to a hipster to take the picture. Score!

Unfortunately, once I got Mr. Lewis to sign the album, I felt obligated to wait for Mr. Lowe, lest I be the only owner of a Nick Lowe album signed by Huey Lewis. And that wound up being a long wait, through no fault of Mr. Lowe, who apologized profusely for making us wait.

My beard's a little out of control here, but a completely unexpected photo with Huey Lewis while wearing a Giants hat (he's a Giants fan, don't you know?) is one for the ages.

Mojo Nixon, BB King's, NYC


I suppose the big guest-star news at the Peter Rowan/Steep Canyon Rangers/Elizabeth Cook show was that Steve Martin showed up to play with the Steep Canyon Rangers. But the more exciting news for me was going up to check out Elizabeth Cook's merch and seeing Mojo Nixon, hero and inspiration for Buzzsaw (Haircut) (a magazine I helped found and fund more than a decade ago), walk through the door. I knew he was in town to do some shows for Sirius XM (listen to him Monday-Friday on Outlaw Country, provided you don't have kids with you), so I thought he might come by to see Ms. Cook, his fellow Outlaw Country DJ. So it wasn't a total surprise, though I did need a few seconds to compose myself. When I did, I told him about the magazine and how he had met two of the other founders years ago. To my shock, he actually remembered (he didn't exactly recall where it was, but knew it was near "one of those Yankee colleges"). I wouldn't have bet on that.

When he went to the bar downstairs, I seized my opportunity for a photo and asked Sirius XM's Jeremy Tepper to take the photo. This was the second shot, after Jeremy told Mojo he needed to smile. So that's what we got. I can't tell you how exciting this was for me. If anyone other than the Buzzsaw (Haircut) founders and a few others knew of Mojo (and his monster hit "Tie My Pecker to My Leg"), this would've been the only photo on the Greeting this year. But it takes its place near the top of my All-Time Favorite Celebrity Photos list.

Various Celebrities

Mario Lopez, Columbus Circle Borders, NYC


My second photo with AC Slater. We chatted for awhile about my Bayside Tigers t-shirt, in what I assume was his way of sussing out if I was a lunatic. I think I passed the test.

Trivia fact: This was taken on the same day as the Ralph Kiner photo.


Shenae Grimes, some street in NYC as part of Fashion's Night Out, NYC


I had to work for my first-ever photo with a Degrassi cast member. When I arrived, there was a healthy gathering of teenage girls in front of Ms. Grimes, and I briefly wondered if it looked creepy that there was a 33-year-old guy in a crowd of young girls. And then I realized it was, but decided to persevere anyway.

I let all the girls get their pictures done first, which, in retrospect, made me look more creepy, because now I was a 33-year-old guy just standing there watching young girls take their picture with Ms. Grimes. If security came over and tackled me, I would've understood. To make matters worse, there were several photographers taking pictures of the scene. So I imagine in some teen fashion magazine somewhere, there's a picture of me in a sea of teenage girls. Well, there's a first time for everything.

Anyway, after waiting patiently, I finally found my opening after a woman older than I stepped up to talk to Ms. Grimes. Sensing the age barrier had been broken, I asked for the photo and, since I felt I needed to justify my presence, I told Ms. Grimes, "I'm probably too old to say this, but I'm a big Degrassi fan."

"Oh, c'mon, there's no such things as too old," she replied.

"Yeah, there kinda is," I said, and then headed to the John Prine show, which was probably lacking any Degrassi fans.

Gary Busey, Crowne Plaza, Cherry Hill, NJ (***OFFICIAL SIGMAN HOLIDAY GREETING SELECTION***)


As discussed previously. It's always a thrill to meet a Tinsel and Rot Hall of Famer, even if it wasn't the best photo of the day, which, of course, is...

Eric Roberts, Crowne Plaza, Cherry Hill, NJ


Hard to believe he's on Celebrity Rehab now. Goes to show you never can tell. Or that you always can tell. One of those two.

The Bradys

Susan Olsen, Lincoln Square Barnes & Noble, NYC


This will forever be known as the Year of the Bradys, when I completed my mission to meet the surviving members of The Brady Bunch. It does rankle me a bit that anyone on the East Coast could've started the mission in February of this year and only be one away, but, hey, they haven't met Marcia. Or Alice (sadly, no photo with, and that probably aint happening). Or, for that matter, Cousin Oliver. This guy has.

I'm not sure why I decided to hop on the desk for my photo here, but I think it works in an odd way. This photo is also historic because it marks my last celebrity meet at the Lincoln Square Barnes & Noble, where I met Elmore Leonard, Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin, Elmore Leonard, and Muhammad Ali, among others. The store is set to close in early January 2011. I went in there last weekend and left pretty sad. It was a fine bookstore. Screw you and your Kindle.


Mike Lookinland, Hotel Pennsylvania, NYC


My last Brady. A big moment. I wasn't going to get the solo photo (see below for the other shot), but I figured I ought to, so I laid down the extra $20. Before this photo, I had to pretend I was excited to hear that he was a Deadhead. It wasn't easy, but I did it, because he's a Brady and he doesn't need me telling him why Jerry Garcia stinks.

Eve Plumb, GINA Gallery, NYC


I was a little nervous going to the gallery opening for Eve Plumb's art exhibit, because I figured it'd be easy for her to decipher that I was not there to see her paintings at all. And when I tried to engage her in conversation about her art, I believe I figured correctly. But that was after this picture was taken, so it was all good. I tried to get another photo afterward because I couldn't tell if this one looked OK on my camera, but they were worse than this one.

I did hang around and check out all the art, Plumb and otherwise, in the gallery and liked quite a few of the pieces. So, see, I'm totally cultured and stuff.

Florence Henderson, Joe's Pub, NYC (***OFFICIAL SIGMAN HOLIDAY GREETING SELECTION***)


My second go-round with Flo, but my first picture with her. The first time I met her was completely random, as she was going into the CBS Television Center as I was trying to figure out if Eve Plumb was taping a show there. I was more prepared this time, and was probably the only heterosexual male attending her one-woman show at Joe's Pub that evening. I waited around backstage afterward and, after standing around while she was talking to friends and other non-heterosexual males for what seemed like forever, I finally got up the nerve to ask her to sign an album (the Oklahoma cast album, the only thing I could find in town...I swear I'm heterosexual) and pose for the photo. She put her arm around my waist, which startled me a bit. I think we make a nice couple, though I think Shenae Grimes is more my type.

The Brady Boys, Hotel Pennsylvania, NYC (***OFFICIAL SIGMAN HOLIDAY GREETING SELECTION***)


Barry Williams had already made an appearance on a Sigman Holiday Greeting, and I don't like to do repeats, but this one was born for the Greeting. Me and the boys, just chilling. I was originally nervous that I was going to have to spring for the professional photo op, which I think was $75, but they were offering the "nonprofessional" option at the table for $60 (including autographs), so I saved some cash there. If push came to shove, I probably would've paid $100 for this one, $150 if you throw in Cousin Oliver.

***
So that was 2010. After last year, I was thinking of calling an end to the Sigman Holiday Greeting. But 2010 has brought me a renewed sense of purpose. So I think the tradition will continue in 2011. Here's hoping next year is even stronger than this one, though, realistically, I'm not sure that's possible. Then again, Tiffani Thiessen and Lark Voorhies have eluded me so far, so there's always the chance of that.

The Year in Celebrity Pictures

It wasn't a particularly strong year for celebrity photos, but there were a few winners in the bunch. Here's the entire output for 2009--15 photos, ranked for your pleasure. Or my pleasure. Somebody's pleasure.

15. Paul D'Amato (taken at the Arena at the Harbor Yard, Bridgeport, CT)


D'Amato, best known (well, only known, at least to those outside of his family and circle of friends) as Tim "Dr. Hook" McCracken, did an appearance on the concourse at the arena before and during the Bridgeport Sound Tigers game. He was a particularly amiable chap, especially in light of the fact that my friend Bill had him sign about a dozen photos for the members of the legendary Ithaca College intramural floor hockey champions, the Charlestown Chiefs.

14. Benmont Tench (taken in the Public Theater lobby, NYC)



After my second Benmont Tench concert sighting in about a month's time (this time as a member of W.P.A.), I figured I oughta get a picture with the man with one of the greatest names in rock and roll. We talked a little bit about the Big Surprise Tour, and after he signed an autograph for a woman in the lobby (that's her pen), the Heartbreaker and I posed for this shot.

13. Cousin Brucie Morrow (taken at the Columbus Circle Borders, NYC)



The first of two photos in this year's "Celebrity Photos That My Dad Would Have Enjoyed" series. I had to make my way through a very long question-and-answer/trivia session (which involved a few questions and a lot of answers, along with a suggestion from Cousin Brucie that if someone wanted to ask him a question about the Beatles at Shea, he'd be happy to answer it) and was situated in line behind some rabid Brucie-heads (one of whom pooh-poohed the idea of Michael Jackson as "King of Pop" and added that Ben Vereen was a much better dancer...twice in about five minutes). But it all worked out in the end, and I like to think my CBS-FM-loving dad would have approved. Plus, I have a book signed to "Cousin James."

12. DMC (taken at J&R Music World, NYC)



Almost missed out on this one, because I got there late and DMC was making his way to the door as I arrived. Fortunately, he is a kind man willing to stop for a picture with just about anyone, so I had time to get the picture with him, buy a "Tougher Than Leather" LP (Merry Christmas, Josh) and a Run DMC greatest hits CD at the store, and get both items signed. So it was a good day.

11. Guy Fieri (taken at the Columbus Circle Borders, NYC)



Yes, he's kind of annoying, and, yes, that is a ridiculous shirt he's wearing, but he does host one of my favorite shows and alerts me to places like the Eveready Diner in Hyde Park, NY. So, Guy Fieri is A-OK with me (though the TGIFriday's commercials still bug me). He also had his own photographer taking pictures that would be uploaded to his website, so that took away my usual Moment of Celebrity Photo Fear, where I hand my camera to a complete stranger and hope for the best.

10. Howard Hesseman (taken at Chiller Theatre, Parsippany, NJ)



He is Dr. Johnny Fever to most, but, to me, he is a little bit Charlie Moore from "Head of the Class" and mostly Captain Pete Lassard from "Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment" (some days my favorite in the series; sometimes it's "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol"). When I told him after the picture was taken that I enjoyed him most in "Police Academy 2" and that I would probably be the only person that brought that movie up over the course of the weekend, he smiled and agreed. And then, after I was out of earshot, he likely mumbled something about the weird "Police Academy" nut he just took a picture with and how he better get another acting job soon.

9. Mickey Rooney (taken at Chiller Theatre, Parsippany, NJ)



I cropped his wife out of the photo because, though I'm sure she's a swell lady, I don't want a picture with Jan Rooney. I want a picture with Mickey Rooney, the guy who recorded those increasingly tense promo spots included on the "Celebrities at Their Worst" CD that culminated with the angriest "Hello, all you nice people" you'll ever hear. And I believe he's done other things. I was on line behind a woman who just wanted to talk to Mr. Rooney. Mr. Rooney's handler said she was welcome to do so, but she should speak up and under no circumstances was she to attempt to shake hands with Mr. Rooney (a swine flu precaution, I'm guessing, and a pretty sane policy at Chiller, quite frankly). So what followed was an awkward, no-contact interaction that involved a lot of shouting. I don't think it went well. But our photo came out swell.

8. Mitch Fritz (taken at Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, NY)



Unless you are a diehard Palm Isle reader (and, considering we haven't posted anything in three months, your hard death is probably imminent), you probably don't know the sheer glee that overcame me as I was walking the concourse at the Nassau Coliseum between periods of a Sound Tigers playoff game and spotted Islanders enforcer/frequent healthy scratch Mitch Fritz (kinda hard to miss, as you may have noticed). It was a glorious culmination of yet another difficult season as an Islanders fan. Mitch Fritz! (Clap! Clap!) Mitch Fritz! (Clap! Clap!)

7. Jon "Bowser" Bauman (taken at Chiller Theatre, Parsippany, NJ)



I forget how much I paid for the autograph/photo with combo from Bowser, but I'm certain it was more than I can afford. But, I did grow up watching "Sha Na Na," courtesy of my dad, and, well, this is a pretty swell photo (and he signed "Grease for Peace" on my album). I was informed by another member of my party at Chiller that Bowser was totally checking her out during my interaction with him. I guess I'm not pretty enough.

6. Duff Goldman (taken at Ace of Clubs, NYC)



Even though I think Carlo's Bake Shop (from TLC's "Cake Boss") is a better, truer bakery than "Ace of Cakes"' Charm City Cakes, "Ace of Cakes" was first out of the box and probably a better, more entertaining show. And Duff is a cool guy. I saw his band (...soihadto, hence the sticker on my shirt) play at Ace of Clubs, and by the end of the set, there were more people on stage than in the audience. But the band didn't seem to mind that much and, in fact, laughed right after they played their last note to the sound of about four sets of hands clapping. Duff and I talked a little about the Avett Brothers (soon to appear in an episode of "Ace of Cakes") after the show, and later on he posed for this (the first and better of the two shots).

5. Hank Williams Jr. (taken outside of NBC Studios, NYC)



It's the second picture I have with Bocephus and, though, it's a bit blurry, I like it better than the first. For a solid reason why, look no further than that thing around his neck. I wasn't going to go for the picture with him, but his car wasn't there to meet him, so I grabbed this photo and got a bunch of records signed. A rare case in my collecting career where things went better than expected.

4. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger (taken at Bookends, Ridgewood, NJ)




This was a front runner for the Holiday Greeting, and I suppose if I had chosen purely based on the person with the most hero-like qualities, it would have been Sully by a landslide. But the Holiday Greeting formula is way more complicated than that (plus I wasn't confident that enough people knew what Sully looked like), so Sully didn't make the cut. If only he had appeared on a sitcom at some point in his life rather than successfully landing a plane in the Hudson River...

3. Billy Mays (taken at the Big Apple BBQ, NYC)



A little too morbid for the Holiday Greeting, but probably would've been a good choice. He now holds the distinction of being the celebrity (assuming you want to give him that title) who died the soonest after having his/her picture taken with me (previous record holder: I have absolutely no idea). I wasn't totally aiming to get a picture with him that day, but, well, he was there and I was there, so I thought, "Why not?" Before the photo was taken, Mr. Mays insisted, "You gotta do the thumbs up." So I did. Good call, sir. Rest in peace.

1. (tie) Danny Bonaduce (taken at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, Oaks, PA)



He was an hour late for his appearance at the record fair, and I was starting to wonder if my train-to-train-to-train-to-train-to-bus-to-expo-center journey was going to end with only a few cool records to show for my efforts. But he eventually showed up, and this photo was taken. Unfortunately, it is an entirely-too-intimate (albeit cut-off) portrait of my head, because I was taking photos of Mr. Bonaduce before I stepped to the front of the line and forgot to set the zoom back for the radio station intern (who seemed jacked up on speed) I handed my camera to. A normal person would've set the zoom back on his own once seeing this frightening sight on a screen, but it turns out this guy wasn't normal. Instead I think he may have actually increased the zoom. Enjoy my nose hairs. On the bright side, it is also an intimate look at Danny Bonaduce's face, which is always entertaining. Also, he did not shake my foundation while I was there, which was cool (if I have to explain the reference, you should be ashamed).

1. (tie) Mark-Paul Gosselaar (taken outside the Harold and Miriam Steinberg Center for Theatre, NYC)


I had hoped that opening night for "The Understudy," in which Mr. Gosselaar is currently appearing, would attract some support from "Saved by the Bell" cast members, but none materialized, not even Mr. Tuttle or Rod Belding (Clive Davis was there, but I'm pretty sure he never appeared on "Saved by the Bell"). But, as I was getting ready to call it a night, someone offered me a free ticket to the show, which I'd planned on seeing anyway. So I quickly took the ticket, enjoyed the show, and then stuck around afterward to get this picture. It is my second picture with Mr. Gosselaar, and clearly the better of the two. I recently headed back to get two copies of the picture signed for both me and my friend Sarah, who has the world's only collection of photos signed by me and "Saved by the Bell" cast members. Someday, she will be ridiculously rich because of this.


As always, I don't know if this tradition will continue, but if it does, I hope to get the Holiday Greeting pictures taken a little earlier this year. Both Holiday Greeting photos were taken in November, and the whole enterprise was nearly torpedoed when a Mohegan Sun security guard informed me and a few other people that we were not to bother Alan Thicke. Very disappointing.

So, anyway, here's hoping that 2010 brings a smoother Holiday Greeting Photo process. I've already got some leads. Stay tuned...

The Worst Signature Ever

I couldn't be more excited to delve into the last book in James Ellroy's Underworld USA trilogy, Blood's A Rover (available now), but as I was gearing up for last night's book tour opener at the Strand, I was reminded that Ellroy easily has the worst signature going, or at least the worst in my collection. Al Pacino's is likely the closest contender, but I've seen worse versions than the one that I got. Plus, at least he was in a rush. Ellroy has no problem personalizing and chatting you up while he's signing (though I now tend to keep my conversations with him to a minimum...once he told me I shouldn't be wearing a hat indoors unless I'm bald and a few other times--including last night--he's insisted I call him "Dog" rather than "Mr. Ellroy"), but his signature remains consistently perplexing. Let's take a look at the autographs in my Underworld USA trilogy.



I probably should've quit after getting my first book of his signed 12 years ago. That one has one of the greatest inscriptions of all time, and was preceded by him kissing the picture of his dog on the book's jacket.



The Cold Six Thousand brought a signature worse than usual. As I recall, I was pretty far back in line, so maybe he was tired.



And last night, I got some special added lines underneath the signature. Exciting!

Anyway, sloppy autograph aside, he's a good writer (though his machine-gun sentence style aint for everyone, and, occasionally, aint for me). And a helluva entertaining guy. So check out his books sometime. I'm pretty sure I can forge his signature if you want those books signed.

And, for kicks, here's Dog on Late Night with Conan O'Brien in 1997:

Anatomy of an Autograph

1:54 p.m.: While reading the papers at lunch (yes, I take a very late lunch), I see a review of one of the SPF plays that features Ally Sheedy. I think there's some reason why I want Ally Sheedy's autograph but can't recall it. My first thought is the "Short Circuit 2" poster, but only her voice was in that, so it seems a bit of a stretch to get that signed. Still, there's something...

2:03 p.m.: Got it. I just saw a record somewhere that featured a very young Ally Sheedy reading an abridged version of a book. But where did I see it? I've been in a lot of record stores lately, plus a garage sale on Sunday. Then it comes to me: Boomerangs in Jersey City. Their prices were a little too high, but I did buy a Morton Downey Jr. record (which seemed to invoke both laughter and terror from the woman at the store) and thought about buying the Ally Sheedy record (which was sealed) but decided it was too much. Yep, that's where it was.

2:05 p.m.: OK, that's solved. Now how do I get that record and get it signed? I'm going to Boston after work on Friday, so that cancels out going to any weekend performances. And, since it's only running until Sunday, that leaves tonight, or roughly five hours from now. So I'd have to go to Boomerangs right after work (in the hopes that they still have it), buy the record, and get into the city by 7:30 to go to the play and then get the album signed afterward.

5:55 p.m.: Found it. Got nervous because I didn't find it until the next-to-last rack. But there it was. At $10, a little out of my normal record-buying range, but worth it for this occasion.

6:45 p.m.: After eating some quality La Rustique pizza and watching the first segment of TMZ, I head to the Internet to buy my bus ticket for Boston and verify that the Alexandra Elizabeth Sheedy on the record is indeed Ally Sheedy. It's slightly difficult to corroborate (which makes me think I've found something exceedingly rare), but after awhile, I do.

6:55 p.m.: I realize that I'm not going to make it to the Public Theater by 7:30. So I'll just have to go afterward and hope that I recognize the 2009 version of Ally Sheedy. I go back to the Internet to look at recent photos of her to prepare.

9:00 p.m.: As I walk up Lafayette Street, I see the crowd coming out of the theater, so I've timed things well. Hooray for me.

9:15 p.m.: A woman I'm reasonably confident is Ally Sheedy (shorter than I imagined, but almost every celebrity I see is shorter than I imagined) emerges and begins talking to what I assume are friends and family. I try to eavesdrop on conversations so that I can hear the word "Ally" and be sure. I can't imagine I look cool doing this. But I haven't been escorted out yet, so I guess I'm doing OK. Still haven't heard "Ally," though.

9:24 p.m.: OK, I think I heard someone say "Al." Good enough for me. Now I just have to wait until she's done socializing because I don't want to be rude (and right there is why I'll never be a good autograph collector).

9:29 p.m.: One of her friends sees the album and Sharpie in my hand and alerts Ally to my presence. So I get my opening and ask for an autograph. She sees the album and is duly impressed/slightly horrified, saying she forgot she even did it (she was 12 at the time of the recording). Her friends/family are equally amused, and she explains a little about the record to them. She asks if she should just sign it and I tell her she can make it out to me (thus edging myself out of the top tier of the lucrative Ally Sheedy autograph business). One of her friends/family members takes pictures of her signing the album and then informs me that "I'm so cute." I'll take it.

9:30 p.m.: Mission accomplished and off to the rock show at the Mercury Lounge.

And that's how an autograph was born.

Autographic asphyxiation

It takes a lot to get me back to collecting autographs at NBC. And in case you were wondering, "a lot" translates into "Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Hank Williams Jr." OK, so maybe that's not all that much to you, but to a man who used to have a "Saved by the Bell" Shrine in his kitchen and who currently has Singin' and Dancin' Bocephi in two rooms of his apartment, it's a pretty big deal.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar's appearance on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" served as the test run prior to Bocephus Day, to see if I actually had the energy at the age of 32 to place myself in the midst of a few dozen fairly to incredibly annoying autograph collectors for an hour or so. When I arrived around 6, things looked pretty good. There were only a few collectors lingering, and I began to feel reasonably confident that this mission would be pain-free. Then, a few more collectors showed up. And then some more. Followed by others. Soon there were about a dozen or so. There would be pain.

Kelly Ripa came out first, and despite the fact that she is pretty much in the city and in public about 200 days a year, people still swarmed around her for autographs and posed photos. I watched in amusement. Amadou and Mariam came out next, and I can only assume their blindness prevented any of the collectors from asking for either their autographs or pictures with them, as anyone who comes off the elevators escorted by NBC security is usually swarmed, or at least bothered by a few people. The Zack Watchers stayed put, and kept their eyes glued to the elevator bank, waiting for Mr. Gosselaar to be released.

After awhile, he came down, carrying a guitar. Security reiterated their policy of only letting celebrities sign outside of the lobby, which doesn't make much sense at all, because instead of a small crowd of people in the contained lobby, you wind up with an unruly mob on the street. But what do I know? As I made my way outside, I overheard Mr. Gosselaar saying he was only going to sign about five or six and then jet. So I needed to get in good position quickly.

The mob had already coalesced outside, so things looked grim. I tried to respectfully put forth my Bayside Tigers t-shirt, but that strategy didn't work so well (one of the security guys told me not to go over top of people, which, considering my height relative to the other collectors, was a challenge). Then, as he was getting ready to call it quits, he spotted the t-shirt and signed it, as about eight other people tried to hoist things on top of it. They failed. I won.



Good time to note I'm still single, ladies. Applications still being accepted.

And, by the way, if you haven't yet seen Mr. Gosselaar's appearance on the show, you must check it out. It's amazing.



After the successful test run, I was feeling pretty good about Bocephus Day. I figured there'd be a few collectors out with pickguards and old vinyl and that the quasi-mob of people who greeted Bocephus the last time I saw him at NBC would probably re-emerge, but, overall, I felt like I could handle it. I brought four albums, hoping to just get one signed, and to maybe get a better signature than the scrawls I got on the albums last time.

There were a lot of collectors and a few paparazzi at NBC when I got there, but it turns out they were all there for Selena Gomez, who, thankfully, I know almost nothing about, other than she's somehow involved in Disney stuff. Whatever. If you're a teenage actor and you aint on "Degrassi," I doubt I know who you are. But, apparently, she has a lot of shady-looking male admirers. Actually, they were just collectors, and I doubt most of them knew much about her either, but, really, why let something like that get in the way of wasting a few hours of your life? (Says the man wasting a few hours of his life trying to meet someone he's already met, and, really, doesn't respect all that much.)

There were only one or two other collectors interested in Bocephus, and I spent most of the time talking to one of them I remembered from the old days. We reminisced about how easy it used to be, and "Live at Five," and waiting in the lobby without being harassed by security. Soon after, we were harassed by security and told to wait outside. Since there were cars waiting on both sides of the building, we had hoped to stay inside to see which way Bocephus was headed. But with that dream dashed, we headed outside to where we thought the Bocephusmobile (an SUV we knew was his because another collector had seen him going in) was waiting. It wasn't. So we scurried to the other side. And found about 50 people blocking pedestrian traffic and staring at the revolving doors, hoping to pounce on Selena Gomez when she emerged.

My collector friend and I had just about given up hope (even if Bocephus came out this side, we surmised, he'd be swarmed, largely by people who had been completely oblivious to his existence eighteen seconds ago) and started to head over to check on the other side when the band came out. So that was a good sign. But there was still no Bocephusmobile around. My collector friend went to check the other side, and I followed behind. There was still no Bocephusmobile on the other side, so I hemmed and hawed and finally darted back to the mob. And then, Bocephus emerged.

I quickly positioned myself outside the revolving doors, along with a few other collectors (including my collector friend, who darted over at the sight of Bocephus). As the crowd began to see security and the development of a general hubbub, they braced themselves for Selena Gomez. A young girl screamed in anticipation. People jockeyed for a good photo. And then a guy in camo with an unlit cigar in his mouth came out.



Despite not being Selena Gomez, Bocephus got a hearty reception from people whispering "Who is that?" before asking if they could take a picture with him. After I got my album signed, I tried to get in a position to take a picture with him, but was being cut off by his new fanbase. However, luck shined down on Tinsel and Rot, because the Bocephusmobile was not there, so he was just stuck there in the crowd. One of the guys in his crew heard my collector friend ask for a picture with him, and said, "Sure, why not? Car's not here, so we aint going anywhere." And so pictures were taken.



And, no, I don't know what that thing on his neck is.

I still had my other three albums, and Bocephus was still standing there doing nothing, so I asked the guy who took the picture if Bocephus wouldn't mind signing my other three albums (I added, "I don't want to be greedy," because I didn't). The guy grabbed my albums and gave him to Bocephus, capping off a swell return to the world of collecting. I didn't watch the Bocephus spot on the show, but this Web-only performance is pretty entertaining. I'm definitely turning the corner on Jimmy Fallon.



I had hedged my bets a little bit, because I was one of the lucky few selected to see a live Bocephus performance at Sirius XM Studios. I figured if I didn't get any albums signed at NBC, I'd probably have a better shot at Sirius XM. Now, I had no need to bring any records with me, but, well, you know, I had a few more at home. So I brought two more because ... why not? And I was still hoping for a decent signature.

I was actually pretty happy just to be in the Sirius XM offices, since I listen every day (mainly to Howard Stern, but also to Elizabeth Cook and Mojo Nixon on Outlaw Country). The performance space (called "The Fishbowl," because, duh, it's a studio surrounded by glass, much like a fishbowl) is right when you walk in, and when I got there, there were only six people in the chairs outside the studio. I grabbed a seat in the second row with a spot-on view of Bocephus. I had my Bocephus shirt on, and I wasn't the only one. In fact, the guy in front not only had his "That's How We Do It in Bama" shirt on, but he also brought his Hank Jr. flag. Nice.

The interview/performance (for the "Artist Confidential" series, and to be aired next month) was pretty entertaining, and definitely worth taking a half-day at work. Bocephus and band played six songs, I think (including "All My Rowdy Friends Have Settled Down" and "Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound," which was almost ruined through some Bocephusified updating of the lyrics), and the interview covered music, hunting, and war munitions collecting. Despite the constant mention of "Bobbie Rock" (Kid Rock to me and you) and your standard Bocephus grandiosity, the interview wasn't bad. One highlight came after the interviewer asked if, because Bocephus does so few concerts these days, if the shows are more special for the fans. Bocephus responded by recounting how--"I'm not gonna mention figures"--the merch haul in Evansville, Indiana--"where there's Whirlpool and not much else"--was just unbelievable. He even talked to some NFL guys about how much they took in, and they were stunned. Good answer, Bocephus.

That moment was topped only by the interview's end, which went something like this.

Bocephus: "Well, that's about it, cousin." (Bocephus apparently has attended the Cousin Brucie School of Social Etiquette, as he calls everybody "cousin.")

Interviewer: "You feel like doing another one?"

Bocephus: "Nope."

And then he got up and left.



He came out to talk to the fans (particularly a kid who came with, I assume, his dad, and, to Bocephus's amazement, was an Ohio State fan) and take pictures (my camera's batteries died, thus preventing my third photo in the series). He was quite nice, and, yes, I got my other two albums signed, bringing the two-day total to six. All scrawls, but there's something to be said for consistency.



I promise, though, that these successes will not thrust me back into the NYC autograph collecting scene.

Until that "Saved By the Bell" reunion. Make it happen, Fallon.

Bum-bum-ba-dum (wahhhhhhhhhh)

The lack of posts has been mainly due to general busy-ness, but, also, I realize almost a week later, because I am still getting over the fact that Borders decided to stop taking pictures of customers with Bob Barker four people before I got to the front of the line. "It's causing too many problems," the flustered Bluetoothed store employee said after I almost saw a grown man cry because his camera wasn't working. Sigh.

So you'll have to make do with this, and ponder what could have been the Holiday Greeting in your mailbox this December.



The skin-color contrast alone would've made it a classic.

And in further crushing Holiday Greeting news, I don't think I'm going to Chiller Theatre this weekend. There's no one whom I'd deem Greetingworthy (the closest is Jason Lively, a/k/a the bad Rusty Griswold, from "National Lampoon's European Vacation"), and, since Shavar "Dudley" Ross cancelled, the prospect of spending $50 to get there and pay admission is looking less appealing by the second. Maybe I'll rally, but it's looking bleak.

Tough times, people. Tough times.

Here's a picture of a puppy at the Bide-a-Wee table at the Bob Barker signing to make you feel better.