No deal

Last week, NBC aired "Deal or No Deal" every night in the hopes that it would become the next "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Unfortunately, it's a show that's essentially 45 minutes of watching briefcases being opened. I can do that in my apartment, and Howie Mandel doesn't even have to be there.

Furthermore, there's no requirement to be a contestant on "Deal or No Deal"; you don't have to have any great, or even marginal, skill. All you really need are a love of money and a tolerance for Howie and you can win large amounts of money. And, ultimately, that's what makes "Deal or No Deal" a not-so-great game show. Sure, it has its moments of suspense, but when it comes down to it, you don't really care if the contestant wins $5 or $500,000. The overwhelming emotion you feel, regardless of the show's outcome, is anger that you weren't asked to be on the show.

So "Deal or No Deal" will never take its place in the pantheon of great game shows. And now, for the public record, I will count down the ten greatest game shows of all time. Note the wording. These are not merely my favorite; they are the greatest. There really is no debate. But add a comment if you want.

10. Name That Tune--I prefer the Jim Lange years. The qualifying rounds had a tendency to drag sometimes, but the final "Bid-A-Note" round--now that's good TV.


9. Press Your Luck--Without the Whammy, this is an average show at best. But the Whammy makes it a classic. Plus, Michael Larson's attempt to cheat his way to riches on the show is truly fascinating to watch. The Game Show Network (I'm not calling it GSN) did a special on it; maybe they'll air it again sometime in between "Dog Eat Dog" reruns. Man, that station has lost its way. In any case, "PYL" is also the only game show on the list that I recreated in my grandmother's living room using a deck of cards. I was a very resourceful child. Also, I didn't have many friends.


8. Tic Tac Dough--Much like the Whammy, it was the crudely pixellated Dragon that was the star of "Tic Tac Dough." Or at least it was a tie between it and Wink Martindale. Also a far better adaptation of tic tac toe than "Hollywood Squares," perhaps the most overrated game show of all time. "Tic Tac Dough" also had an insidiously catchy theme song that will now be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

7. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire--The only show that (a) I passed the test to appear on and (b) showed up on an episode of. Unfortunately, those two things are not related in any way. I passed the written test but made the unfortunately fatal mistake of saying the word "dick" during the interview with producers (a long story, one that I know begs retelling after that, but I think everyone who reads this has heard it--if not, tell me and maybe I'll post it here for posterity's sake). And I showed up on the second episode of the series, in the audience, right behind the Hot Seat contestant (see photo at left...look real hard over the contestant's right shoulder). Rarely has a whiter person appeared on the screens of America. Amazingly, the show still succeeded.

Regardless of my connections to/personal issues with the show, it's a classic--trivia mixed with strategy and a little bit of greed. Coincidentally, that also describes most of my life up to this point.

6. Family Feud--I refer here to the classic Richard Dawson era, though I'll give Ray Combs some props for his early work on the show (it started sucking when they added that bullseye thing). I will not, however, tolerate Louie Anderson and Richard Karn. Shams.

It's a good show to play along with and, on top of that, if there's anything more fascinatingly creepy than Richard Dawson kissing every female contestant full on the lips, I don't know what it is.

5. Match Game--On paper, this is a fairly moronic idea. And, actually, in practice, it is also a moronic idea. But the celebrities (most of whom were really barely celebrities) make it work. And Gene Rayburn's stick mike--brilliant.


4. The Gong Show--It's debatable whether this actually qualifies as a game show, but since this list can't properly be debated, I don't see a problem. Plus I have to give Chuck Barris his props. I used to watch this every morning on USA when the family first started going up to Windham in the summer, and it's fair to say it would drive my mom crazy. Not a big Chuck Barris fan. But she still let me watch. And I don't think there's ever been anything on TV that has made me as excited as the sound of Gene Gene the Dancing Machine's theme music.


3. Remote Control--I had the Remote Control board game AND the (shown at left) Remote Control Nintendo game (which couldn't have been bought by more than, say, 10 people). And I'd make sure I was in front of the TV every night at 7, when I would flip on MTV to watch Ken Ober, Colin Quinn, and Marisol Massey (and later Kari Wuhrer). Man, if this show was still on, I would completely clean up on it. Born too late, I suppose.

2. Jeopardy--Tends to be taken for granted, but it cannot be denied. After making my grandmother play my sad version of "Press Your Luck," I would sit in front of the TV with a notepad and play along with "Jeopardy," writing the dollar amount of every question I got right (and, because of my Catholic school education, taking off the amounts of the questions that I guessed wrong). Good times.


1. The Price Is Right--Most game shows just focus on one game. But "The Price Is Right" has dozens of games, with a different mix every show. And there's a pretty high percentage of brilliance--the Clock Game, Plinko, Hole in One (or Two), Lucky Seven, Safe Crackers, Ten Chances, Three Strikes...it's a nearly endless list, though I must also mention Cliff Hangers, with the yodeling mountain climber, which battles with Plinko for my favorite. The perfect game show. "Deal or No Deal" couldn't hold its jock.

Honorable Mention: Joker's Wild, Super Password, Sale of the Century, The $25,000 Pyramid, Cram, Scrabble, Split Second, Talk About, Jackpot, Double Dare, Win, Lose, or Draw