Ask Tinsel and Rot (via Country Weekly)

There is perhaps no magazine whose reader comments and questions bring me greater joy than Country Weekly. Usually, the Letters to the Editor are more entertaining, but for this edition of Ask Tinsel & Rot, we will be answering a question delivered to the Music Q&A department of CW. Enjoy. We hope you learn something.

Has Toby Keith been elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame? And if he hasn't, why?
--ANNETTE HOLCOMBE
Scott, Ark.

Sweet Annette,

I can only hope that you are not a grown adult. In order to not completely lose faith in humanity, I am choosing to believe that you are not and that this letter was originally written in crayon. If, by chance, you are an adult and are, in fact, in possession of all of your mental faculties, I will be forced to admit that the theory that there is no such thing as a dumb question has just been proven to be categorically untrue.

No, Toby Keith has not been elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame. If we live in a just and righteous world, he never will be. Never. Ever. Never. Unfortunately, with each passing day, and with each Rascal Flatts song that climbs the charts, I am beginning to doubt the earthly presence of justice and righteousness. So, you may be in luck.

The second part of your question asked for reasons why Toby Keith might not be in the Hall of Fame. Well, let's start off with the obvious: he's not good. In any sense of the word really. He sings like a goat in pain most of the time and his songs almost always have that special Kid Rock-ian quality of focusing solely on the Me. There was "How Do You Like Me Now?" (and my accompanying answer "To Be Honest, Not Very Much"), followed by "I Wanna Talk About Me" and the recent smash, "As Good As I Once Was" (in which Toby sings about not being as good as he once was--it's both a bad song and a sobering thought).

Of course, not every bad Toby song is about him. There was also "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," which briefly focused on his dad and the "American way" before Toby suggested that he would be willing to commence the process of inserting his boot in the ass of the enemy. Luckily, Darryl Worley (whose HOF status, should you be unaware, is also unelected) came out with an equally jingoistically reprehensible song ("Have You Forgotten?") around the same time, so it's a dead heat for the most annoying song ever.

Another reason why Toby Keith is not and should never be in the Country Music Hall of Fame would be that Jimmy Martin is not in the Country Music Hall of Fame. Jimmy Martin (aka "The King of Bluegrass") had a long, productive career in which he wrote and sang many classic country songs (precious few of which revolved around sticking boots in asses or involved bleating lyrics that could've been written by a third grader), yet somehow has not been elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Luckily, Glen Campbell's in there, though. And Annette, in case you're wondering, that was sarcasm.

In any case, if Jimmy Martin cannot be in the Country Music Hall of Fame, Toby Keith and his dopey little straw cowboy hat sure as hell can't be. And if, Annette, the day ever arrives when Toby Keith is elected into a Country Music Hall of Fame that does not honor Jimmy Martin, I would suggest that you get right with God, because Armageddon will surely be upon us.

I hope I've cleared some things up for you, Annette. Thanks so much for your question. And give my best to your classmates.