Hey, Douchebag (Vol. 1)

T&R headquarters recently realized that we don't share nearly enough random, unsolicited opinions on this here blog. So, before we are shut down by the Blog Police due to lack of unnecessary vitriol, we decided to start this "Hey, Douchebag" series. Enjoy. Or don't.

Last Thursday's New York Post featured what, by my calculations, was the bajillionth article about the emergence of Jersey City (or at least the Jersey City waterfront) as a prime real estate market. Almost every article mentions the same condo developments and invariably features a quote from someone whom I immediately want to find and welcome to the city with a hard kick to the nuts. The gentleman who fits that bill in the Post article delivers the following:

"I invariably say I live in New York City. That's when they pry, and they say, 'Where in Manhattan?'...'Well, it's not exactly Manhattan,' I say. 'It's the other side of Manhattan.'"

Hey, douchebag: If you can't bring yourself to tell your pals, "I live in Jersey City," and you're so ashamed to say you live in New Jersey, get out! Immediately. I don't want you in Jersey City. I don't even want you in the state of New Jersey. I will begrudgingly let you live in one of the other 49 states, only out of a sense of fairness I have developed living in this state. So, go infest some other up-and-coming area with your yuppie douchebaggery, buy a condo, contribute absolutely nothing to the surrounding community, then sell your condo for a profit (the only thing your dark, soulless existence thrives on), and start the cycle somewhere else. Surely there is someplace else where you can spend $700,000 on a two-bedroom condo.

Your whole life is based on creepy, real estate-speak like "appreciation in value" and "long-term investment." Later on in the article, you mention how excited you are that your development is eventually going to be "a completely planned neighborhood." Real estate developers can't make a neighborhood, douchebag. Sure, they can build a Starbucks and a Duane Reade and a bank branch, but they can't make a neighborhood. People do that. Ordinary, everyday people who bond over civic pride and a shared sense of the importance of community. Maybe you've heard of them.

So, enjoy your view from "the other side of Manhattan." And say hello to the rest of the douchebags in your development. I hope your investment appreciates real soon so you can go live in the actual Manhattan and stop poisoning Jersey City.