Ten Best: Saved by the Bell

Tinsel and Rot's slavish devotion to lists brings you this definitive ranking of the 10 best episodes of the television classic, "Saved by the Bell." We figured such a list needed to be compiled before VH1 or E! or Adult Swim got hold of the idea and mucked it all up. Tinsel and Rot is the blog of innovation. We shall blaze a trail of goodness across the globe! Viva Tinsel and Rot!

[Note: No episodes of "Good Morning, Miss Bliss" were considered in this process. That would've been stupid. Similarly, let's not talk about "The College Years" or, God forbid, "The New Class." We're only talking the prime years of Zack, Slater, Screech, Kelly, Jessie, Lisa, and Mr. Belding. And, OK, the episodes with Tori (aka the "tough chick").


10. The Zack Tapes--Zack Morris discovers the wonderful world of subliminal messages and attempts to woo Kelly through secret messages in a tape he gives her (including "Zack Morris is the blond Tom Cruise," which used to be considered a compliment, I suppose). Hilarity ensues when she and the rest of the gals of Bayside get wise to his wicked, wicked ways and give Zack a public comeuppance. A gem.
9. Rockumentary--Casey Kasem's second SBTB appearance comes in this documentary of the rise and fall of Zack Attack. Kasem narrates the look into the inner workings of the band and the excessive hubris of Mr. Morris that brings the group's success to a screeching halt (pun, of course, intended). As if the acting isn't brilliant enough, there are also the sweet, sweet songs, including the classics "Friends Forever" and "Love Me Now." One can only imagine the immense pride that the musicians who actually recorded those songs still feel.
8. Day of Detention--Proof that the Tori Years had their moments. Rappin' Ken Kelly is giving away the chance to win a trip to Hawaii during a live remote from the Max, and Zack is the lucky listener who gets picked (after some typical Zackian chicanery). But he can't get there because he's in detention. The rest of the gang tries to help him out, but soon they're in detention, too! Finally, after some clever diversion from Screech via his bonsai tree pruning, Zack manages to sneak out. But does he win the trip? I refuse to ruin the suspense for those who may have missed this one.
7. The Fabulous Belding Brothers--Rod Belding, you bastard. You win the hearts of the Baysiders during your substitute teaching gig, get them to change their senior trip plans to go whitewater rafting, and then leave them in the lurch to bang a stewardess? Thank God Richie Belding is there to bail your ass out. I hope the stewardess gave you the Clap.
6. The Last Dance--Admit it, you thought Zack and Kelly would never break up. They were star-crossed lovers, destined for eternal happiness. Until that ass clown Jeff stole her heart. Oooh, what a creep. But at least there was time for one last dance, outside the gym, on a picnic table, while Slater and Jessie sang a Michael Bolton song. And then, of course, Zack and Kelly got back together for, like, a day when they went to Jessie's dad's weddding and then split up, and then finally got married when the bloated cow that was "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" finally got slaughtered.
5. House Party--Until Billy Currington and Shania Twain's "Party for Two" video, this episode was where you went to see the least heterosexual musical performance by ostensibly heterosexual males. Zack, Slater, and Screech's living room lip-synch version of "Barbara Ann"... tough to watch, but still entertaining. And Tori "Violet Bickerstaff" Spelling does her best acting work here as the reluctant paramour of the cleverly named (and subtly acted) Nerdstrom.
4. All in the Mall--An underrated gem that finds the gang in possession of $5,000 in the mall after an unsuccessful attempt to score U2 tickets (surely, one of Bono's greatest achievements is having the band referenced in a SBTB episode). Then the gang thinks they're being chased by a pair of thugs, who wind up being part of a hidden camera TV show. Whoa! Way to turn that one around, writers! I wonder what the SBTB writing room was like. I wonder if they even had one. I wonder how many writers developed crippling drug habits.
3. Dancing to the Max--The first true classic in SBTB history. Who will win the big dance contest at the Max? (There was a lot of dancing on SBTB now that I think about it.) Surely, Lisa's a dead solid lock...until tragedy strikes. Lisa's out of commission after a bad leg injury. But an unlikely hero steps up to save the day. Screech to the rescue! Using his whip-smart creativity, Screech comes up with a brand-new, stone cold slamming dance, the hottest thing to hit the dance floor since the African Anteater Ritual. As Casey Kasem said, "Let's all do ... the Sprain!" Yeah!
2. Home for Christmas (two-parter)--A lot of people just think of Zack Morris as a party boy, always on the prowl for the next good time. But those people miss the real Zack Morris, the preppie with a heart of gold. And that side of Zack is on display in this moving two-parter when Zack falls in love with a hot homeless girl (who hasn't?). And though a lot of guys would drop a gal like a hot potato when they find out she lives with her dad in a car, Zack will do no such thing. He does his best to help her and her dad out, and after an unfortunate incident involving a false theft accusation from that jerkwad Mr. Moody, all works out well. And then the chick and her dad are never mentioned again, presumably off to go live in a land with Jessie's half-brother, Christy the female wrestler, and Zack's dad.
1. Jessie’s Song--She's so excited. She's so excited. She's so scared. Could there be any doubt that this would grab the top slot? Sure, Alex P. Keaton had a problem with uppers, but he didn't do it with nearly enough craziness. Jessie Spano takes the caffeine-spiked cake with her crazed reaction to the pills that have been helping her cope with the stresses of school and her burgeoning music career. Often lost in this all-time TV classic is the fantastic number "Go For It!" Some crazy bastard actually wrote the following chorus to this song: "Put your mind to it, go for it, Get down and break a sweat. Rock and roll, you ain't seen nothing yet." That last line kills me.

Let the debating begin.