Programming Note

Tinsel and Rot has intercepted a top-secret memo concerning plans for the program schedules of ESPN and its various offshoots. It is expected that this memo will soon be incorporated into a press release. But who wants to wait for that? Instead, T&R now shares this memo with you. You're welcome.

I think yesterday's meeting was a real fruitful one and will eventually be seen as a watershed moment in this new direction that we are pursuing. Many productive ideas were put forth, and I think many, if not most, will soon find their way onto the airwaves of ESPN and its sister networks. Allow me to recap some of the ideas for new programming that we brainstormed about:

Bonds on Bonds and Stocks: A half-hour recap of the day's financial news and how it is affected by Barry's push for 756. Barry will host, with occasional assistance from Mel Kiper, who, we all agree, usually only proves his usefulness about five days out of the year. Barry will also offer his tips on the best investments for the ESPN viewer.

Barry Bonds Eats Cold Pizza: Our new morning show on ESPN2, and a real exciting endeavor. Each morning, our ESPN2 cameras will follow Barry from the bedroom right to the breakfast table, as he eats cold pizza and discusses the issues of the day. In this discussion, B-Dogg will talk about the horrible treatment he receives from the "other" media and express his desire to not be in the media spotlight and simply be left alone.

Flavor of Bonds: We have to clear this with the Mrs., but it sounds like a slam dunk. Women will compete for the affection of Barry over the course of a six-week stay at Casa de Bonds. Each week, Barry will eliminate one contestant, dismissing her with a yet-to-be-determined catchphrase that will inevitably sweep the nation. We've already talked to Palmeiro about guesting in one episode as the guy who administers the lie detector test. He seems game. The winner of the whole shebang will get to be on the field when Barry hits 756.

Baking with Barry : Thirty action-packed minutes of the B-Man preparing a delectable dessert while recapping his rise to glory. Potential tagline: "He knows what's in this cream...and it's delicious!!!" Kudos to Joe in Marketing for coming up with that one.

Barry Bonds's World Solitaire Tour: Join Barry in the locker rooms of the baseball stadiums of America (and Canada--hence, the "World" part) as he plays solitaire while his teammates avoid him and members of the press pepper him with questions about his chase of Ruth and Aaron. Riveting television, with play-by-play commentary from Stuart Scott. "Boo-yaa! He closed out the hearts!"

I think that's a really good start, but there's still a lot of work to be done. So, let's not slack off. ESPN's viewers need their nonstop Bonds coverage and, right now, there are points where it stops. That's unacceptable. We can do better. And I know we will.


The Commissioner said...

How 'bout "Barry Bonds wipes his ass with our old NHL programming schedule"?
Or, "Barry Bonds buys OLN and gives it to his girlfriend as a way of apologizing for that whole 'rage' thing"?


Mr. Bad Example said...

I had an NHL show in there, but it didn't make the cut because I like things in fives. Also, T&R's polling shows that hockey references draw low numbers.

But think Barry (Bonds) and Barry (Melrose) talk hockey...for a minute and then they just talk about Bonds for the rest of the two-hour slot.

Counselor Del Greco said...

Leave Rafael Palmeiro out of this! Anyway, he's too busy working at Peter Angelos' law firm right now. That ability to lie under oath should not go to waste. Speaking of Angelos, this sums it up:
"Arguably the most successful ambulance chaser in the history of American jurisprudence..."
Graham Hays, espn.com.

But as far as the Orioles being the worst franchise in baseball - Bite me, Hays.

Mr. Bad Example said...

The Orioles still play baseball? Cool! I thought Tejada was just playing pickup games with local kids.

You learn something new every day.

Counselor Del Greco said...

Jeez...the Mets by chance get off to a good start and someone gets all cocky...

By the way, you can have Anna back...

Mr. Bad Example said...

Thanks. You can have Jorge Julio back in exchange for Anna. It's only fair.