Turns out you're very smart.
After a few checks of the guest list that left me underwhelmed (Ruth Buzzi? King Kong Bundy? Margot Kidder? Eh.), I finally found that magic person that would make me go back.
Christopher Knight.
Yessir. Peter Brady himself. And he'd be signing autographs with his fiancee and "My Fair Brady" co-star Adrianne Curry.
Sign me up and tell me what bus to take.
***
So, last Saturday, I headed out the door to board the #2 NJ Transit bus to the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands, conveniently located right near a bus stop. But I didn't make it a block out of the apartment before realizing, "Hey, I've got that Brady Bunch book signed by Barry Williams. I should get that signed." So I scurried back to Disgraceland and carefully removed the book from its place of honor, on top of the cabinet, between signed photos of Barry Williams and Maureen McCormick (and scant inches away from the Ann B. Davis and Florence Henderson signed pictures). Can't believe I almost forgot that. Tragedy averted.
The bus from Journal Square was running late, which made me nervous that I was going to wind up stuck in the back of another four-hour line once I got to the convention. My fears were unfounded.
As the bus dropped me off, I noticed that it was a lot different from the scene I encountered last October. Cars weren't backed up onto the highway. People weren't walking around with bloody daggers. Lines weren't snaking down the block. I started to wonder if I somehow got something wrong. Was I at the right hotel? Was this the right weekend? Was this some elaborate hoax planned by someone who infiltrated my computer and installed false hope of meeting a Brady?
And then I saw the sign.
And as I scanned down and saw "Fred the Hammer," I laughed very hard. If you're familiar with wrestling (and, if you're not, what are you waiting for?), you know it's Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Not Fred.
OK, maybe you had to be there, 'cause I'm still laughing about it.
(As a side note, later on, I realized that for just $40, Greg [Fred] the Hammer would put me in a figure-four leglock
while someone took a picture. Sadly, I declined. I don't know what came over me.)
***
This Chiller convention (subtitled "Dead of Winter") was my kind of convention. No long lines. No waiting in parking lots. Plenty of room to move around. Within about five minutes of walking in, I was on line to "meet" Chris Knight and his beloved, and a half-hour or so later (and after five minutes of listening to a guy rattle off his favorite "Brady Bunch" moments while Chris Knight tried to look interested), I was shaking hands with a Brady.
I got my book signed, along with an 8x10 of the happy couple, and then settled in for the picture. I had introduced myself to Mr. Knight, but Adrianne was busy signing a Playboy ($40) for someone else when I stepped up to the table. So, as I went behind the table, I introduced myself to Adrianne, she gave me a hearty "How the hell are ya?" and it was magic time.
Unfortunately, I blinked for the first one, which would've been the better photo.
As I stayed in my uncomfortable kneeling position, Adrianne told me, "Dude, I can totally feel your heart beating on my shoulder." Awesome. Well, at least it was beating while I was next to an attractive woman. So, a rare moment that potentially proves my heterosexuality. And, yes, I know you're saying, "Your heart was beating for Peter Brady, fool." I find your mockery endearing.
Anyway, after my camera recovered, the second picture came out fine. Maybe you'll see it in December.
***
Since my day was pretty much done a half-hour after I got there (though I was still waiting for C. Thomas Howell to come back from lunch, so he could sign my "Soul Man" video cover), I had plenty of time to wander and look at the other celebrities in the room. Quite a selection. Nichelle "Uhura" Nichols was next to Chris and Adrianne, drawing a smaller crowd than I would've thought. Ken Weatherwax, the original Pugsley from "The Addams Family" had a table next to Felix Silla, a little person who played Cousin Itt, as well as Twiki from the "Buck Rodgers" TV show. Margot Kidder was by the door, chatting about Christopher Reeve with a fan. One of the Bay City Rollers, Ian Mitchell, was looking bored and forlorn at his empty table, while Robert Vaughan, who I would've thought was above this sort of gathering, found similar apathy a few tables away. Ernie Hudson (aka the Ghostbuster whose name you can never remember) was having a little better luck across the way.
There were also a few "Hey, It's That Guy"s around, like Irwin Keyes, who apparently has been in a lot of horror movies but is best known to me for his appearances as Hugo the dim-witted bodyguard on a few episodes of "The Jeffersons" and Luca in an episode of "Police Squad!" Also in attendance was Robert Picardo, who I guess was in one of the "Star Trek" spinoffs, but holds a place in the mind of Sigman as Coach Cutlip on "The Wonder Years." As I looked at his photos, I was reminded that he also played "The Cowboy" in "Inner Space." I was so excited when I realized that that I almost bought a signed photo of him in the movie right then and there. But I refrained.
After doing some laps around the convention space and then grabbing something to eat, I came back to the celebrity signing room and found C. Thomas Howell back in the house. So I asked the guy helping out at his table how much it would cost to get my "Soul Man" cover signed. He told me $25.
And so ended my desire to have C. Thomas Howell's autograph.
The odd thing is almost everybody else was selling their own photos for $20. I can't imagine that he'd be charging more. So I wondered if the embarrassment of having starred in "Soul Man" (a really, really awful movie) meant it would cost $5 extra to have C. Thomas sign the video. I thought of asking, but I didn't want to make a scene.
At the end of the day, I used the money I would've tossed C. Thomas's way to buy a Hatch Show Print from George Lowe, the guy who does the voice of Space Ghost. I didn't really want him to sign it; I just like Hatch Show Prints and thought it would be a funny addition to the bathroom at Disgraceland. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that. I don't think he did much signing that day.
It'll still look nice in the bathroom.
***
With so much time to kill (OK, technically I could've just gone home, but this blog entry may never have happened if I'd done that), I decided to check out a few Q&As that were going on. That meant I got to hear Luscious Johnny Valiant tell the story about Andre the Giant masturbating for the third time in my life. A life well-lived, I'd say. I do think he's starting to break me, because it seems like he's getting a little funnier. Or I could just be getting a lot more insane. Flip a coin.
The second Q&A I went to was supposed to feature Margot "Lois Lane" Kidder, B-movie icon Sybil Danning, and Jennifer Delora, whom you will, of course, remember for her star turn in "Frankenhooker." Well, the Q&A was going along fine--Margot Kidder talking about the flying scene in "Superman," Sybil Danning talking about Roger Corman, Jennifer Delora talking about the upcoming DVD release of "Frankenhooker"--and then some guy walked up to the Chiller Theatre worker and started whispering something to her.
Then, after Kidder finished answering a question, the woman from Chiller said this guy had an announcement.
"Are y'all familiar with the movie 'Walking Tall'?"
Grunts of agreement.
"Well, I would like to introduce you to the daughter of the real-life man that movie was based on, Buford Pusser, Miss Dwana Pusser, her daughter--Buford's granddaughter--Madison, and Steve Sweat, a friend of the family and a Buford Pusser historian."
And then Dwana and Steve joined the panel.
Now, I barely have an interest in what Margot Kidder, Sybil Danning, and Jennifer Delora have to say. But the daughter of a guy they based a few movies on? The guy himself (had he lived; he died in a suspicious car accident when Dwana when was young)--I'd probably have some questions for him. But his daughter? Even my attention span has limits. And what do you ask such a woman anyway? I mean, I saw "Walking Tall" in the Eva's Farm rec hall in Purling, NY, one summer Friday in the 1980s, and that, along with some songs by the Drive-By Truckers, is the extent of my knowledge of "Walking Tall." I think I liked it, and I think I may have watched the TV show once or twice, but if I sat in a room for five hours, I couldn't think of one thing in Dwana Pusser's head that I'd be interested in knowing. God bless her; I'm sure she's a nice woman, but, I mean, really.
Well, apparently no one else knew what to ask her either. That is, until one of the Pusser plants in the audience popped up and asked a long, detailed question that couldn't have sounded more rehearsed. I wonder if they just go around and drop in unannounced at Q&As they have very little reason to be on the panel for. If so, they should film it, because I'd probably watch that before I watched the "Walking Tall" remake with The Rock (a nice guy, according to Dwana) or the upcoming straight-to-DVD versions with Kevin Sorbo (an exclusive Tinsel & Rot tidbit straight from Dwana's mouth).
A few minutes would go by where people would ask questions of the actresses, and then another Pusser plant would come up with a question. I couldn't tell if everybody else realized the Q&A was being hijacked or if they just didn't care. Finally, one guy who wasn't a plant asked where the original "Buford Stick" was (Buford carried around a big stick to intimidate and use if necessary). She said he used many Buford Sticks, so there wasn't really one original. But if not for a Fed Ex screwup, we could've purchased Buford Sticks right then and there.
Eat it, Fed Ex. You miserable bastards.
(For the record, you can get one for about $18 at http://www.sheriffbufordpusser.com, or if you visit the Buford Pusser Museum in Adamsville, Tennessee. I know where I'm headed the next time I go to Tennessee.)
***
Though there were no Buford Sticks for sale, you could buy swords in the Exhibit Center. But there were conditions.
As I walked around the Exhibit Center and checked out the vendors, I realized that I had been there before, prior to renovation, and, in fact, had met Hank Aaron at a baseball card show in the very same room many years ago, just a hop. skip, and a jump from where I could now buy a wooden dagger.
And such, dear friends, is the sad, mildly entertaining circle that is my life.
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