7.23.2005

Free advice

In the new NHL, there is a lot of talk about making the game more exciting for "the fans." But when the new NHL says "the fans," they really mean "the people we want to be fans." After all, the rule changes being made aren't really the result of a great clamor from your average NHL fan; they are being made because they will make the game more palatable and exciting to Joe ShortAttentionSpanSportsFan.

Well, whatever. Welcome aboard, Joe. And in an effort to not be such a stick-in-the-mud, I'm willing to bend for you (not that way, perv). So, I've come up with some suggestions I think you'll dig:

***I know you'll love the excitement of 65 minutes of hockey being decided by breakaways during shootouts, but couldn't we make it even more idioti...I mean exciting? How about breaking ties with a hand of Texas Hold 'Em? That would be wicked cool, no? Plus, doing so would probably get the NHL a decent TV contract again.

***Everyone loves reality TV, so why not have "Hockey Idol," where players compete for a job in the NHL? They'll be judged each week by an all-star panel (with Don Cherry in the Simon Cowell role), and America (and, OK, Canada, too) will pick the big winner.

***I know that black-on-white dynamic of the puck on the ice is a big hassle, so let's just shut off all the lights in the arena and have the puck glow in the dark. The players' jerseys and the goals can glow, too, so everyone can see where they're going. It'll be like cosmic bowling! We can even play bad 80s music throughout the entire game! Awesome!

***Let's face it--we all love a good hockey fight. But sometimes it just takes forever to break them up. Enter JoJo the Hockey Fight Clown. Just like a rodeo clown, JoJo will throw himself right into the heart of danger, but instead of distracting a bull, he'll be trying to get the attention of Tie Domi. Think of the hilarity that will ensue!

***One word: midgets. And here's another one: chimpanzees. Every team has to carry at least one little person and one chimpanzee. This way, if there's a blowout, just put the chimpanzee in, sit back, and watch the fun happen. I mean, you've seen "MVP: Most Valuable Primate," right? Funny stuff. And the Rangers and Dale Purinton have already shown how well this can work.

There, you have it, NHL and Joe ShortAttentionSpanSportsFan. Free advice. See you at the rink.

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