More Things Not to Do Near Me at a Concert

Adding to and expounding upon the thoughts already expressed on pp. 110-111 of Critical, But Stable , while also building on my concert experiences this summer, here are some more things that I don't ever want to see/hear again at a concert:

1. No ear-shattering whistles. Look, I’ve never really done a survey on this, but my guess is that performers don’t really care that you are capable of producing a whistle that can puncture an eardrum. I doubt there’s a moment when a musician is thinking, “Hey, this show isn’t going well. I hear no high-pitch whistling. Let’s not do the encore tonight, boys.” So, keep your fingers out of your mouth, hot shot.
2. Do not attempt to harass me into dancing. It’s not going to work. I’m not going to dance. I promise you. And just because I’m not dancing doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying the show. It means I don’t like dancing. Also, I probably don't like you. So, leave me alone.
3. When John Fogerty has just introduced Bruce Springsteen as a special guest, don’t ruin the moment by turning to me and saying in a real snotty voice, “I’m glad to see you finally got off your blanket.” I was sitting on the blanket because I knew people behind me were sitting, and since they were there before I was, I didn’t feel like standing up, blocking their view, and ruining the show for them, you stupid cow. And why are you so focused on me anyway? Am I more compelling than Willie Nelson and John Fogerty?
4. Do not talk throughout the show. I originally kept this to intimate acoustic shows, but I'm expanding it here. And this is a tough call for me, as I was once chastised by a concertgoer for talking to my friend Dan during a show. The show was, ahem, an Art Garfunkel solo show at Carnegie Hall (to make it a little more pathetic, I was 17, it was Valentine’s Day, and both Dan and I were—and, though I haven’t seen Dan in a long time, I’d say still are—heterosexual…oh yeah, and James Taylor was a surprise special guest). Toward the end of the show, the snooty gentleman in front of us turned around and in his best Thurston P. Howell III patrician snarl said, “Why don’t you just shut up?” I really don’t think we were talking all that much. Sure, we were making fun of Art’s wife and his vindictiveness toward Paul Simon, but we kept it mostly between songs. Our high-class friend disagreed. OK then. Lesson learned. Now you try. Also, even if you’re my friend, I don’t want to talk to you while the band’s playing. I bought a ticket to hear them, not you. You I don’t have to pay a cover charge to hear. Of course, if you wanna start charging, that’s your call.
5. Do not be disrespectful to any band on the bill. Ideally, the band you like would be paired with a similarly awe-inspiring band every time they played. Ideally, news that Corey Haim may have to cancel a convention appearance because of immigration problems wouldn’t have much effect on a 29-year-old man. But clearly we do not live in an ideal world. You don’t have to applaud every song by a band you don’t like, but don’t be an ass about it. Just find a spot far away from people and take a break while they play. And make a mental note to never see that band again.
6. If you're going to clap along, you're gonna have to stay on the beat.. It's not that hard. And if you find it hard, just don't clap. When you're clapping off the beat—whether you're just a little off or so wildly off that one wonders if you can even hear the music—you're just making everyone hate you. Also, a note to those who can find the beat: don't get all fancy and start throwing in sixteenth-note claps. You're not impressing me.
7. Stop it with the "Freebird" crap. It's not funny in a straightforward way. It's not funny in an ironic way. It's just not funny. Oh sure, someone's bound to laugh, but that someone is not someone worth knowing.
8. If the artist is introducing a song and you realize what song it is while this introduction is still going on, keep it to yourself. The concert isn't a game show, ass brain. No one cares that you can name that tune. There will be no pats on the back after you announce that the song Roger Daltrey has just said is "about a kid who's at home in the arcade" is "Pinball Wizard." So don't bother.
9. Under no circumstances are you to describe anything musical as "tasty." Music does not have a taste. Food has a taste. Get a new vocabulary, hippie.
10. If you insist on thrusting a mailing list in my face, don't be angry when I don't want to sign it. If I want to sign a band's mailing list, I'm capable of finding it. I really don't need someone shoving a clipboard in my face and asking me to give away personal information. But, hey, I appreciate your aggressive attempt at marketing. Good for you. Just don't yell at me and insist that when the show's over, I'll definitely want to sign the mailing list. And, when, after the show, it turns out that I still don't want to sign the mailing list, because I have no interest in being kept abreast of shows involving crappy attempts at being clever, don't call me "weird."

Thanks. See you at the show.